Tears At The Supermarket

We continued our stay in the infectious diseases ward, under quarantine in case Sean had something contagious. The rounds of tests continued, but we had less doctors visiting today.

At Jonathan's insistence, I went out for a walk, if nothing else than to get some fresh air and get away from the hospital. The sun was warm on my skin when I walked outside, and slowly, I made my way up the hill towards the supermarket, following Jonathan's directions he had given me as I left the room. I was no more than 100m away from SCH when I wanted to turn back and get Jonathan to go and get our lunches. But, knowing he would be disappointed in me, I continued my walk towards Coles.

Coles was located in a small shopping arcade that also housed a few other shops. I had to walk past a Chinese grocer before getting to Coles. I stopped to have a look for some of my usual comfort food, and food that was easy to prepare and eat in the hospital room. I picked up a few large cups of instant noodles, and wandered around the shop for a little while. The tears were hot behind my eyelids, and threatened to spill down my face, but I managed to pull myself together and pay for my items before continuing to Coles.

For a minute or two, stepping inside Coles returned me to normality. It was like someone had flicked a switch, and my brain went from worrying about Sean to trying to work out what we needed at home for lunches and dinners. I looked at all the fresh fruit and vegetables, and started towards the broccoli when, all of a sudden, someone flicked the switch again, and I remembered Sean was in hospital, and was likely to be there for at least another few days. And then I remembered Sean was sick. And I lost it.

I started with little sobs as I wandered aimlessly around the fruit and veggie section, and then spent 10 minutes deciding whether I should pick up a BBQ chicken for lunch, or grab some cold cuts from the deli. Then I walked around between the bakery section and the bread aisle, undecided between a loaf of bread or wraps to make our lunch with. I wanted us to have something healthy to eat, as the last thing we needed was to be sick when we needed to look after Sean. The whole exercise took around 30 minutes, and I was quite drained by the end of it.

The hard part was still to come. It turned out paying for my items was more than my fragile state of mind could handle. I broke down and bawled in front of the checkout chick.

The shoppers lined up behind me moved a bit further away from me, most likely as they weren't sure what I would do next. I felt a bit sorry for them, as I was sure a grown woman crying over groceries in Coles was not "Must See" on their Bucket List. Fortunately, the checkout chick was very helpful and sympathetic - she took my wallet and pulled out my debit card, and helped me pay for the groceries without too much fuss. Somehow, she might have seen this scenario before.

By the time I returned to the hospital, I was an emotional wreck and exhausted beyond words. I walked in with the bags, put them down on the table, and cried some more. I'd left my appetite back at the shops, but I forced myself to eat to keep up my energy levels.

Our wonderful friends Penny and Lissy paid a visit to us today. It was so nice to see some friendly faces. They had both contacted us when they received the "Sean's party is cancelled" email, worried and concerned that something had happened, and we had kept them both updated with Sean's progress and tests. They were so supportive, and being a nurse, Lissy was able to offer some medical advice and reassurances. We do appreciate good friends who keep us in their thoughts.

Emailing proved to be the best way to keep everyone in the loop, and as part of my routine, I continued to send email updates to Jonathan's mum, with a copy to other family members and concerned friends.

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Hi Mum,

Not much more news to tell you. Little man had a fairly bad night last night, needing to be comforted 4 times throughout the night. He's a bit brighter today, so that was good. He even ate a good amount of food, and drank lots of milk.

The doctors took some more bloods this morning for more tests. They want to rule out as many things as possible do they took 5 vials of blood. We were surprised Sean had any blood left afterwards. He was very brave.

The respiratory specialist came by again today to see us. He's all but admitted that one of the things they are trying to rule out is leukaemia. Hopefully, once they have done all the tests and have biopsied the lymph node on Monday, they will be able to tell us what they find.

I managed to go out for a walk to get us some lunch today, but I got a bit disoriented and ended up getting very upset by the time I got back. I went to the supermarket and I immediately went into normal grocery shopping mode, but then remembered that we were in hospital and weren't going home for a while. I was standing waiting to pay and started howling, which drew a sympathetic look from the checkout chick. I don't think I was the first to have done that.

By the time I got back to our room, I was ready to bawl again. Poor Jonathan didn't know what to do. Probably just as well that I did manage to bring back stuff suitable for lunch.

We had some visitors today, which was lovely. Love good friends.

Sean had a bath tonight, which is now a bigger production than ever because of all the tubes and lines. At least he now smells less sweaty.

Jonathan tried his best to send me home tonight but I insisted on staying, so he's gone home to deal with some dirty laundry and to get another good night's sleep. He's not been getting great sleep lately so it is only fair that I let him have a few nights off from looking after Sean.

Sean is still trying to fall asleep. He was asleep drinking his bottle earlier but he woke up to do a great big poo, which leaked everywhere. Better out than in, right?

We don't expect anything to happen tomorrow, so if I wanted to go home for a bit, I'll do that tomorrow. But with my wandering fuzzy state of mind, it might not be a good idea for me to be operating such a large moving vehicle.

We'll be in touch again once we have more news.

Love to you both.