Being Momma G: Day 75

Day 3 at Tresillian, and Sean was starting to show signs of improvement.

Overnight, the little man woke at 10.45pm, just as I was in the middle of a strange dream. Grateful to be woken, I fed the fussy little man, who was slightly less fussy, and gave him a top up of 60mL of formula. The top up worked a treat, as he stayed asleep until 3.30am. The nurses continued to look after Sean, who slept like a champion back in the nursery. The next feed at 6am was even better, with Sean not fussy at all. This made me happy, and gave me hope that the feeding would return to normal.

When the nurses brought Sean to me for the 6am feed, I decided that Sean would go back into his own cot in our room after the feed. Sean had no trouble falling asleep after the feed, so I climbed back into bed and got a little more sleep myself. I had had nightmares pretty much all night, with many different people in my life all yelling at me and telling I was "doing it wrong". Every person I encountered in the nightmares said it - and that was all they would say to me as well. I'd ask someone how to do it right, and they would just repeat "you're doing it wrong".

I was showered and dressed by the time Sean woke just before 9am for his next feed. It was a really long feed for Sean - he took nearly an hour to have this meal, which was good. Of course, this was the feed that Juliette chose to observe, and I told her about my nightmares. She told me I was doing a great job and that I really should give myself more credit. Nevertheless, Juliette was worried that I was having these nightmares, and told me to talk to the psychologist with whom I had an appointment later today.

Jonathan arrived when we were about half way through the feed, and had some lovely play time with Sean before we returned him to bed just before 10.30am. The little guy must have been so excited about seeing Daddy, for he wanted to continue playing with Daddy and slept for only 50 minutes. No amount of patting and shushing could get Sean back to sleep, so we brought him out to the pram and rocked him for a while. Finally, after 45 minutes of shushing and rocking the pram, Sean dozed off.

As it was lunch time, we headed up to the dining room and collected our lunches, which we brought back to the nursery. I ate as fast as I could, because I knew Sean could wake any moment, and I also had an appointment with the psychologist on staff for our counselling session at 1.30pm. Sure enough, Sean woke at 1pm and fed really poorly, so I ended up taking him to the counselling session to continue feeding.

The psychologist, Radmilla was lovely. She also ran yesterday's group discussion, and I found her very approachable and personable. We had a long long long chat about things, about how I was feeling, and how I was handling things at home. Along the way, we talked about some of the things in my past that have bubbled to the surface over the last few days, and Radmilla wanted to know how I was dealing with these issues. I told her I had reconciled with my past, and that I now had a future to look forward to.

The session was useful, and I felt quite good about getting a few things off my chest, and to discuss a few other things at length with someone who was an outsider. I went back to the nursery and to my husband and son feeling somewhat cleansed.

Our little man had some trouble sleeping while I was away, and only managed to sleep an hour in the end. It was far too early to get him out of bed, and as he needed more "down time", I transferred him into the pram and rocked him for the next hour, before Sean was fed again.

I had no idea why it was so hard for Sean to get to sleep and stay asleep. After a long play time, Sean fell asleep right on 6pm - dinner time. I raced up to the dining room and hoovered down my dinner, only to return to a screaming baby who did his best to scream down the house. As he wasn't due another feed for some time, I did my best to settle the baby, with limited success.

Finally, it was time to feed the little guy, and he was fussy fussy fussy! After struggling with him for 15 minutes, I decided to give him a bath and try my luck after the bath and moisturiser routine. It worked a treat and when Sean was returned to the boob, he did his best to drain both breasts as best as he could. He even took a small amount of formula top up.

Again, the nurses have offered to take Sean tonight. Thank goodness for the lovely Jacqui. I've been sent to bed, so I'm going to go. Come on, little man. Work some magic and show us what you are capable of - good sleeping and good eating!