Being Momma G: Day 76

Happy birthday to Kyung! Our darling friend and soon to be Godmother of Sean has a birthday today - we wish her many happy returns.

Happy St Patrick's Day too! As we are now Irish - well, Jonathan and Sean are, and I'm married to an Irishman, which makes me Irish by association - we are finally able to call this day "ours". If only Tresillian served Guinness with dinner. Or Guinness for dinner. Hmm, I wonder if the chef will make Guinness Pie ... not likely, but one can dream.

Day 4 at Tresillian, and the little man was slowly but surely improving.

I tossed and turned a bit last night after I was sent to bed by the nurse, thinking about my maternity leave and the fast approaching return to work date, being 1 August. Well before Sean was born, I had to make arrangements with work in relation to maternity leave, and at the time, I thought I could go back to work by the time Sean was 7 months old. I had done the math so I would be paid for the entire time I was off work, and I was happy to return to work in August. When the paperwork was finalised, I was happy with the arrangements and looked forward to getting back to work.

In light of everything that'd happened, with Sean being as unsettled as he had been with both the sleeping and the feeding, and with his skin condition causing so much stress, I wondered if I was putting too much pressure on us so I could return to work in August.

I couldn't help but think that we had wound up at Tresillian because I failed. Somewhere along the way, I became a failure. In so many ways, I couldn't cope with failing to make Sean behave like the perfect baby and sleep well and eat well, just so we could be in a good routine by the time I had to go back to work. I felt like a failure because I couldn't make my baby sleep when he should be sleeping, and feed when he should be feeding and as he should feed. I was putting so much undue pressure on Sean to do certain things, and putting undue pressure on me to help him do certain things. And because Sean was not feeding nor sleeping well, and he was already close to 3 months, I started panicking that I wouldn't be able to get Sean into a routine by August, which was only 4 months away. And really, for anyone who'd ever nursed a baby, you'd know that babies will do what babies will do, and no one could make them do what they wanted the baby to do - the baby would do things when they were good and ready. And right now, Sean just wasn't entirely ready to sleep through the night, and feed every 4 or more hours.

I began to wonder if I should take more time to spend at home with Sean, and did a bit more math in my head. If Jonathan and I were really careful with our money, and having qualified for the Federal Government's Paid Parental Leave scheme which would see us receive a bit of extra money that would help ease the financial worries, it was possible that I could take another 4 months of maternity leave, and go back to work in January next year.

I thought it about it long and hard, and realised that I really didn't want to miss Sean's milestones, like his first word, nor his first crawl, nor his first step, which could happen while he was day care and I was at work. These magical milestones will happen only once, and once I miss them, they are gone forever.

And I also felt that Sean would benefit from having me at home with him for a bit longer. As much as I missed working and having adult conversations with my work colleagues on a daily basis, I could still get the adult conversation fix by taking Sean on daily outings to the shops, or to have lunch with Dad and Mum, or to meet the ladies from Mothers Group.

And most importantly, my focus had shifted since Sean was born. I had worked so much for so long that during the maternity leave discussions before Sean was born, all I could think about was going back to work and how soon I could return. Now that Sean was here, a real life baby who was totally dependent on me, I realised that my focus is on him. Work is work - it's a job that pays me a salary. My career aspirations had dimmed in comparison to my new role as a mother. My baby is my life, and since I was 15, all I had ever wanted was to be a mum, and now that I was finally a mum, I had a new career - as Sean's mum, and I really wanted to work hard on this new career.

Of course, when I was tossing and turning in bed, my thoughts weren't as neatly laid out as the above. But those thoughts were there, and I knew I needed to speak to Jonathan to get the thoughts less jumbled and more coherent.

I was feeling a little bit anxious about speaking with Jonathan about extending my maternity leave. I wondered how Jonathan would react to my musings. It took me a long time to fall asleep, so I was grateful to Sean for not waking until 3.45am.

We had a great feed, but the little man needed a change afterwards, so Jacqui and I tended to the task before she took Sean back to the nursery to settle to sleep. I climbed back into bed and tried to sleep some more, still fretting a little about what I was going to say to Jonathan.

Sean woke at 7.30am for his next feed, and we fed in our room before we went out back to the nursery for some play time. Sean was in a great mood, but did not manage to stay awake until Jonathan arrived. Sean was well and truly asleep by the time Jonathan arrived.

Jonathan and I went up to the dining room to grab some breakfast, and we had a good long chat about what had been on my mind. I had hoped Jonathan would be supportive and sympathetic, which I got plus more.

Jonathan was more than happy for me to take more time off work to look after Sean and spend more precious time with him. One thing Jonathan raised with me was whether I would be fine with being at home for another 4 months, and if I would go stir crazy not having adult company for a longer period of time than originally planned. As I had been so focussed on my career up until Sean came along, Jonathan asked me if I would be satisfied with taking a year off work, which may lead to a lag in progressing my professional development at work. I told him I thought being a good mother to Sean (and any future children, if we should so be blessed) was now a far more important focus for me. Jonathan was extremely supportive and understanding of my desire, and completely supported the idea of extending my maternity leave.

The next step would be for me to contact work once we were home from Tresillian. Here's hoping work will be just as understanding and supportive as Jonathan!

We went back to the nursery after breakfast and had some cuddles. We'd missed each other quite a lot over the last few days, and it was nice to sit in each other's arms for some quiet cuddles. This was the third lengthy period of time we'd been away from each other since we began dating - the first being Jonathan and Mina's trip to New Zealand in October last year, when I was too pregnant to travel, and the second being the week Sean and I were in hospital after I gave birth. Yes, I know, I'm a sook; so is Jonathan. We're just as bad as each other.

On our return to the nursery, we were greeted with the news that Katrina and her baby Rhys were leaving Tresillian. Rhys had becoming ill overnight, and while Rhys' diarrhea could have been attributed to Rhys being weened off breast milk and Katrina switching the brand of formula, Katrina decided to err on the side of caution and asked to be discharged early. And then there were 2 babies and their worried mums.

Soon after Katrina and Rhys left, the nurses came and told us that one of the babies staying at Tresillian was suffering from a suspected case of measles, and that the ill baby had gone home. We'd seen the nurses running around all morning, speaking in hushed tones and closing the office door to have more meetings than we'd seen them hold in the whole week combined. We had wondered what was going on, and now we knew. We were asked if we'd been immunised against measles, and if we'd had our booster shots, as there was a chance that we may have been infected. The sick baby was not Rhys, but we weren't told who the sick baby was and in which unit the baby had been staying. Michelle and I sprang into action, with me calling Dad and Mum and asking them about my immunisation records and what needles I'd had at what age. We were all fairly sure that I was immunised against measles, so while I was worried, I wasn't too panicked. Dad and Mum however were concerned and turned their place upside down to find my immunisation records. As Michelle worked in the health service, she was almost certain she had had her booster shots.

Sean woke after a fairly decent sleep, and had a little bit of up time before his feed. Sean was still a bit fussy, but he could have been worse. Jonathan enjoyed a fair bit of play time with Sean before we put him down for another sleep, by which time lunch was served.

I had lined up a massage for 1pm, which I was really looking forward to. Everything was tracking along smoothly, with Sean fed and not due for another feed until 2pm, and now fast asleep, and I was going to be finished with lunch by 1pm. The day had pretty much geared itself around this massage appointment, which was great.

I guess no one told the massage therapist about the plans. By the time she finally showed up, it was 1.30pm. She wasn't set up nor ready for me, so I had to wait another 10 minutes. By the time we finally started, it was almost 2pm. I was stressed as I knew Sean would wake up soon, and my boobs were getting more and more full by the minute, which were hurting as I laid on my front on the massage table. I became even more stressed when there came a knock on the door, from on the nurses, telling the massage therapist to hurry up with the session as Sean was screaming down the house. My massage ended up being cut short, and I was still charged the full amount. I made a mental note to write a complaint about my experience.

I hurried back to our room to feed Sean the moment the massage was over. Poor little man was beside himself with hunger, but thankfully Jonathan was there to comfort him. As Sean was super hungry, we had a pretty good feed, and a long play time before it was time for bed. Jonathan left to return home for work before Sean was put to bed, and we got some photos of all of us in our green gear to commemorate our first St Patrick's Day as Irishmen. Sleep eluded Sean, for it took the little man half an hour to finally fall asleep. And he stayed down for only an hour before waking up and wanting to be fed again.

Of course, this would be a fussy feed, and the little man fed very poorly, and it took a lot of effort to get Sean back to sleep again. Dinner was well and truly served and waiting on the tables in the dining room by the time I finally settled the little man, and I wolfed it down before hurrying back, just in case he was to wake and not resettle.

Sean managed just under an hour for this sleep, and flatly refused to resettle. He screamed his high pitched scream and would not stop, even when he was being held and cuddled. After 15 minutes of screaming, the nurses relented and allowed me to try feeding Sean to see if he would calm down. The last feed was only 2 hours prior, so I didn't know whether Sean would feed well or if he would settle down after a feed.

This was one of the worst feeds for the whole week. Sean only managed 5 minutes on each side, and continued to be crying and awful. Since he was clearly not interested in feeding, I gave him a bath, and tried my best to tire him out with a long slow massage. The little guy enjoyed all of this and became a lot calmer. I tried to breast feed Sean again, but he only managed 10 minutes on one side. At this point, the only option was to see if he would take the formula - I was totally over trying to stuff my nipples into the little man's mouth. Sean took 50mL of formula, which was better than I'd expected.

Kathleen the night nurse has again offered to take Sean for the night, so I could sneak in one last night of sleep. I've gladly accepted and am going to head off to bed. I really should pack our bags, but I'll leave that till the morning. We go home tomorrow!

By the way, the baby who went home sick did not have the measles. Crisis over.