February 2011 In Pictures

Being Momma G: Day 59

We may be turning a corner with Sean and the night feeding routine.

And of course, because I said it out loud, I've probably now jinxed myself.

Sean was much better with the night feeds last night, only waking twice for milk. The first time, at 2.30am, I brought Sean into the bed, fed him and popped him straight back into the bassinet, all without him waking or really stirring. I wasn't as successful with the 5.10am feed though. The little guy woke up just as I was putting him back into the bassinet, and had a hard time resettling - I was too tired to help him resettle properly, so Jonathan took Sean into his arms and let Sean fall asleep again on Jonathan's chest.

Jonathan was working from home this week, so he had to be out of bed and in the study ready for work by 6.30am, at which time he gently placed Sean on the bed next to me and went to work. When Sean woke just after 8am, we went to the lounge room and had a proper feed in the feeding chair. We had an appointment for Sean to see Dr Arnold the paediatrician at 10.30am, so after Sean's feed, Sean and I had a bit of quiet playtime while waiting for Jonathan to finish work at 9am.

Jonathan and I took turns to get ready, and all 3 of us were ready to go by 10am. We arrived at Dr Arnold's rooms right on time; unfortunately, Dr Arnold was running about half an hour late, so our carefully planned morning was going to have to adapt to the small change. Sean was due another feed around 11am, so we went ahead and fed him just before 11am to ensure a happy baby during Dr Arnold's thorough examination.

Dr Arnold was very happy with Sean's progress. Sean had gained 1kg since we last saw Dr Arnold a month ago and now weighed approximately 5kg. Sean had grown 4.5cm as well, and now measured 60.5cm. Dr Arnold increased the reflux medication, and was of the view that we could stop the medication by the end of March (or the current supply, whichever comes first). As Sean was still afflicted by a skin rash, we asked for some advice on how to deal with it. Dr Arnold was quite sure that Sean had developed a sensitivity to the free bottles of Mustela baby wash and baby lotion that the hospital gave us, causing Sean's skin to break out in a rash and be covered in pimply spots. Dr Arnold recommended that we switched to using the QV bath oil and AVEENO Baby Daily Moisture Lotion, and if Sean's skin did not improve in the next month, he would give us a referral to a dermatologist.

Take that, nurse Catherine from the West Ryde ECHC! If the paediatrician did not think Sean's skin was anything more than a sensitivity to the bath products, then she shouldn't have made me panic like she did last week. Grrr!

We made another appointment for Sean to see Dr Arnold again in May, and left Dr Arnold's rooms to go to Chatswood for our next appointment of the day - meeting Elaine and Maya for lunch.

Elaine is the wife of my second cousin David, and Maya is their beautiful daughter. They live in Malaysia and Elaine and Maya were in Sydney to visit Elaine's family and to attend Elaine's brother's wedding. Even though David and I are related - David's father is Uncle Charlie who is my mum's cousin, I'd never met him, nor Elaine nor Maya.

David and Elaine and Maya had visited Sydney on a number of occasions over the past couple of years, and each time, we had tried to arrange to meet for the first time. Finally, today, we are going to meet Elaine and Maya, and Elaine's baby bump who is expected to join us in May.

Elaine's parents live in or near Chatswood, and they were quite familiar with Chatswood Chase, so we arranged to meet them in front of Rossini in the food court. Sean was ready for more lunch, so I fed him while we waited for Elaine and Maya to arrive, and they did just as Sean was finishing. Elaine's mum Mrs Tan also joined us and it was lovely to meet them all!

Mrs Tan and Elaine both gave Sean a red packet - so generous. We on the other hand had nothing for Maya, so we hope to be able to take them all to lunch when David returns for Elaine's brother's wedding.

We had some lunch and chatted. Elaine looked fantastic for someone in her last trimester, we got to play with Maya who was so so so cute! The conversation flowed easily, as even though we'd never met, we had been friends on Facebook for the past 3 years. All too soon, it was time to part ways, and after a quick photo, we said our goodbyes with plans to meet up again when David was back in Sydney.

After lunch, Jonathan and I decided to extend our outing so to as ensure Sean got a little bit more sleep. We walked around Chatswood Chase for a while longer before heading home for Sean's next feed.

Sean slept well after the 3pm feed, and again after the 6.30pm feed, which allowed me time to cook dinner - yummy rissoles which Jonathan and I both enjoyed.

It has been a lovely day. We have another outing tomorrow; all 3 of us will be going to Mothers Group, and it will be nice to introduce Jonathan to the lovely ladies. We are going to try again to get Sean's 6 week check up done by Catherine, so hopefully, with Jonathan being with us, she will finally do the check up after all.

Being Momma G: Day 58

As we start coming good with one routine, we really need to work on another - the night feeding routine.

Sean was a nightmare last night, snack feeding at 1am, 2am, and again at 3am. This basically meant Sean spent most of the night sleeping in our bed, as I was simply too tired to lift him back into his bassinet. When Sean woke at 4am, Jonathan took Sean out to the lounge room and tried to settle him out there, so that I could get a couple of hours' sleep. My wonderful husband and the best father in the world slept in the armchair with our fussy son in his arms, so I could rest after all the snack feeding throughout the night.

When Sean woke at 6.30am, Jonathan came back into the bedroom and deposited our little man in my arms. By this time, I was ready to feed Sean, as I felt a little more rested after some much needed sleep. Jonathan laid down for a little while before he got ready to go and collect Mina.

Jonathan and Mina had both had breakfast by the time Sean and I surfaced at 9.30am for Sean's next meal. Once finished, we decided to head out to the Chatswood for a short shopping expedition. Sean was a little bit unsettled, but once we put him in the Minimonkey, he was happy to be carried around. I did the carrying today, as I needed to learn how to use the sling, and Sean seemed happy enough - soon after we put him in the sling, Sean fell asleep. Win for me!

We wanted to buy a new fan, as Jonathan's old column fan was starting to show signs of wear and tear, with the oscillating function not working when the fan was turned on, and working when the fan was turned off. Yes, you read that correctly - the fan, when off, would oscillate, but not when the fan was turned on. We knew exactly what we wanted to get - a Dyson Air Multiplier.

Months and months and months ago, when Dyson first introduced their new fan to the world, I had told Jonathan I wanted one. Every time we walked past a Dyson Air Multiplier display, I would tell Jonathan I wanted one. And every time, Jonathan would laugh at me and tell me I was crazy to want one.

For some reason, like the fact that the weather had been stinking hot, Jonathan was now much more supportive of my desire to own a Dyson Air Multiplier. During one stinking hot day, we paid a visit to Harvey Norman, and stood in front of a Dyson Air Multiplier. The air was so cooling and soothing, and I think that might have changed Jonathan's mind. So much so, he was the one who insisted that we looked at buying a Dyson Air Multiplier today.

We went to Bing Lee to see if they had any Dyson Air Multipliers in stock, and sadly, they were all sold out. We then went to Myer and had a look as well, but alas, they too were all sold out. As we weren't desperately in need of a new fan, we made a commitment to keep looking, but it didn't matter that we weren't able to buy the fan today.

We were still at Chatswood around lunch time, so as a treat for Mina's impending birthday, we took her to Kam Fook for yum cha. We all love yum cha and Mina didn't get to go often, so it was a special treat for her today. Mina ate so much food and really enjoyed the dumplings and buns and other goodies that we ordered.

Sean was waking up as we were finishing lunch, and we wanted to get home before he started really complaining about being hungry, so we left Chatswood quickly. On our way home, Jonathan asked if we could stop in at Harvey Norman on Epping Road at North Ryde to have one last look for the Dyson Air Multiplier, so we paid a quick visit. Not only did Harvey Norman have the fan in stock, it was also on discount. Just as well we stopped in then!

We settled on the pedestal fan (the big round one), which was the same price as the tower fan, because it had a height extension, a tilting head and it was more powerful as well. Over the past 12 or so months, we have amassed quite a few gift cards from our very generous friends for our engagement and wedding, which we have yet to use. Today, we used a few of these to buy our new fan.

As soon as we got home, Jonathan and Mina excitedly tore open the box and assembled the fan, while I fed Sean. Jonathan set up the fan and it was very exciting to finally have my much desired air multiplier. The new fan certainly cooled the room down quickly - the only drawback was the fan was extremely noisy at full speed; sounding very similar to a plane's engine getting ready for take off!

Jonathan and Mina played games on the PS3 for the remainder of the time Mina was at our house. All too soon, it was 4.15pm and Jonathan took Mina home for the day. Next weekend is to be a sleepover weekend, with plans already in place for Mina to sleep over on Saturday only. I wonder how we will go with that.

Oh, by the way, German lessons have yet to commence - the two bit organisation run by people without a clue was still having difficulties securing a venue. So typical of the Evil Witch diving in to anything without first checking the depth.

When Jonathan came home, I posed a few questions to Jonathan about the sleepover. I asked what would happen if Mina wanted to sleepover on the Friday night as well as the Saturday night, and Jonathan said that as we had made plans for Mina to sleep over on Saturday night only, we would stick with the plans to pick Mina up on Saturday afternoon after lunch. I reiterated my question: what if Mina wanted to come earlier than Saturday afternoon, and Jonathan was quite firm in replying that he would pick Mina up after lunch on Saturday and not earlier. I also wanted to know what would happen if Mina was to throw another temper tantrum on the Saturday night and demanded to go home, to which Jonathan replied Mina would stay with us and there would be no going home until the Sunday afternoon.

We had a lovely dinner of pan fried salmon and salad. I was able to cook the salmon to perfection, and Sean allowed us to enjoy our meal by being sleeping through dinner. It was nice to have something to eat without being interrupted by a crying baby.

Sean and I have a busy week ahead, with a visit to Dr Arnold, lunch with Elaine and Maya, Mothers Group, an all day stay at the Camellia Family Care Cottage, yum cha with my parents and my nephew Lucas's 3rd birthday party to look forward to. Jonathan will be working from home tomorrow, so we are all heading to bed now that Sean's just been fed again.

Being Momma G: Day 57

Sleep is for the weak and the dead. That's why I don't sleep.

Oh, OK, so sleep is also for those who don't have babies, or more to the point, don't have babies who want to feed throughout the night.

Our baby decided he wanted to snack feed throughout the night. At 1am. At 3am. At 4.30am. And at 6.30am. By the time he cried for a feed at 7.30am, I was in no state to feed him. Jonathan was able to sleep through a lot of the feeding, so he got out of bed, took the baby into the kitchen, made up a bottle of formula and tried to feed it to Sean. Sean drank 10mL and refused to have more, and only went back to sleep if Jonathan was holding him.

I managed to get a little bit of sleep while Jonathan was working his magic, but there was no denying the little guy at 8.45am when he wanted more milk. I got up and fed the little guy, and Jonathan took him back to settle back to sleep, as I needed to get on with a few things for the day.

We were expecting some visitors today - Andy and Kerry were coming by for lunch and I needed to prep a few things for lunch - chicken and vegetable skewers and a green salad, and triple chocolate brownies for dessert. Jonathan was able to settle Sean quite easily, and then set about tidying up the house a little bit in anticipation of our visitors' arrival.

The brownies were super easy to make - after all, I cheated and used the Betty Crocker Triple Chocolate Brownie mix, and threw in some macadamia nuts (because I liked the nuts). The result was one pan of super yummy fudgey nutty chocolate brownie.

I was nearly finished with the skewers by the time Sean wanted another meal, so Jonathan held Sean and they both watched me as I finished and cleaned up before feeding Sean. Sean must have know we were expecting visitors, as he was hard to put down for a sleep, and when we were successful, only slept for a short while.

Andy and Kerry arrived just before 1pm, and as Sean was still awake, Kerry enjoyed a short cuddle with the little man. Kerry managed to settle Sean, so we popped him back into the bassinet and we went back to the lounge room. The skewers were in the oven cooking away and we enjoyed a beer and I enjoyed some adult conversation.

Just as lunch was ready to be served, Sean woke up and wanted to be part of the lunch party. There was plenty to eat, with everyone laughing at how much I'd over-catered for the 4 of us. We sat down to the yummy skewers, with Jonathan holding Sean so he could be part of the conversation. Andy and Kerry had brought a lovely bottle of wine, which was shared between them and Jonathan, and we all enjoyed my handiwork. By the time we were full, there were only 4 skewers left - 2 chicken and vegetable skewers and 2 vegetable skewers. Ha! So I didn't over-cater after all!

After lunch, we migrated to the lounge to enjoy the brownies and a wheel of double brie cheese. Jonathan showed Andy and Kerry his media setup, and put on Piranha 3D for us to watch. What a schlock of a horror movie - I watched some of it out of the corner of my eye and decided it wasn't something I would have wanted to pay for. Meanwhile, as we had all had lunch, it was time to give Sean his, for which he was grateful.

All too soon, Andy and Kerry had to leave. It was really lovely to have had them over for lunch, and we hope to have them over again soon.

The rest of the day was uneventful. Sean fed, we played, then Sean slept. We had developed a routine that seemed to be working well and everyone seemed to enjoy. I would feed Sean, burp him, change his nappy, then we would spend a few minutes playing together. When I say "playing", I mean we would both lie on the bed, on our sides, facing each other. I'd talk to Sean, and he'd make shapes with his mouth that looked like he was talking back. Or he'd stick his tongue in and out of his mouth. Mostly, Sean would just smile - big open mouth smiles, smiles with his eyes, such happy, joyful, heart melting smiles. Sometimes, he'd laugh too - such magical music to my ears.

Jonathan had a routine with Sean as well, as Jonathan was in charge of bath time. Sean loved bath time, and Jonathan had recently given Sean a bit more floating time while he was in the bath, which Sean loved. The boys loved spending this precious time together, with Jonathan giving Sean full body massages with moisturiser after the bath. Sean didn't always enjoy the moisturising rub, but he always smelled lovely afterwards.

After playtime, we'd put Sean to sleep at the first sign of tiredness. The signs were easier to catch these days - Sean would look away from us, or yawn. His hands would become clenched in fists and his legs would become jerky. As soon as we spot these signs, we'd wrap Sean up in the Miracle Blanket and start the routine to put him to sleep.

The routine was simple enough - we'd cradle Sean in our arms, and pat his bottom and make "shushing" noises until Sean's eyes closed, and then we'd put him in the bassinet. If Sean's eyes sprang open, we'd rock the bassinet back and forth until his eyes closed and he was off to sleep. Most of the time, this would take around 10 minutes. Sometimes, we'd get lucky and Sean would be asleep in 5 minutes. Other times, it could take up to 30 minutes.

With the routine almost down pat, Jonathan and I feel like we are more free to do things around the routine. The routine was obviously not easily followed if we were out and about, but it was working at home, for which we are grateful.

Speaking of routines working, Sean is now asleep, and with Mina visiting tomorrow, we should be heading off to bed. Here's to working on the routine again tomorrow!

Being Momma G: Day 56

TFIF! After today, Jonathan would be home with us for the next 9 days, and I for one could hardly wait.

Sean was back to wanting to feed every 2 hours, which was very hard for me. The little guy wanted milk at 2am, at 4am, just before 7am and just before 10am, and then again at midday. I would happily feed Sean if he wanted to be fed every 3 hours, because that meant he was feeding for 40 minutes and sleeping for 2 hours, which was what he needed. But to want to be fed every 2 hours was too frequent.

As he was so unsettled all morning and crying no matter what I was doing, I decided to head out to the shops with him. We headed to Chatswood as I wanted to get more coffee from the Nespresso shop, and go to the NAB to bank some cheques, and do a few other things along the way as well. Sean was pretty upset with me by the time we got to Chatswood, but was happy enough to be carried and cuddled. I did initially put him in the pram when we went to K-Mart to look for a slice pan, but when Sean started crying, I took him out of the pram and carried him instead. Poor wee man. He was pretty tired, but he also wanted to see everything that was going on around him.

I stopped for some lunch at the Chatswood Chase food court before we headed across the road to the bank. The line in the bank was long, and almost 20 minutes later, we finally reached the counter. Sean fell asleep as the teller helped me with the cheques, so I popped the little man in to the pram and we headed to Bread Top for a few treats for me, before coming back across the road to the Nespresso shop and getting the coffee pods.

I had wanted to go to the Asian grocery shop on our way to the car, but paid a visit to Coles first to pick up a few things. Sean woke just as I was about to pay, and was quite insistent that we left for home straight away. So much so, I decided against visiting the Asian grocery shop all together and headed to the car.

Sean cried the whole way home. Actually, he didn't so much cry as screamed the whole way home. He screamed so much I thought he was going to lose his voice at one time. By the time we got home at 4pm, Sean was totally hysterical. He calmed down as soon as I picked him up, but he was totally drenched in sweat and was limp with relief.

We had a good feed, and Sean went to sleep after a few minutes of play time. Sean paid me back for delaying his feed and upsetting him earlier by peeing in our bed. Well, it was my fault - I'd put the nappy on incorrectly and it sprang a rather large leak. Jonathan came home not long afterwards to a very quiet household.

I was pretty tired from the day, so my darling man cooked us dinner. We enjoyed some down time while Sean slept, before tending to him at 8.30pm for a feed. Yes, I'd worn Sean out so much he needed 3.5 hours of sleep to get over the trauma.

We've been watching mindless TV shows for a little while now, and my eyes are getting heavier and heavier. I'm going to head off for the night, as I just know Sean will want to feed every 2 hours during the night again. Oh, please, little man, please learn to sleep at night again, and soon!

Being Momma G: Day 55

What started off as a promising day turned into a nightmare, but ended on a good note.

The little man slept well last night after the 11.30pm feed, and didn't wake until 4am for his next meal. Even though I was tired, I felt more inclined to feed him and play nice after a few hours of sleep. With both of us being as tired as we were, I fed Sean in our bed and he ended up staying in the bed with us after the feed, as I was too tired to lift and carry him back to the bassinet. There was no point in risking the chance that I might trip and drop the baby. It was kind of cute to have the little guy snuggle up next to me though.

Sean woke again just before 7am for his next feed and was a bit unsettled afterwards. He fed and then was happy to sleep for 30 minutes, but after he woke, he would only resettle if he was picked up and patted and shushed, which I did. Sean slept for another 30 minutes before wanting another feed at around 9.30am, which was good timing as we had a doctors appointment at 10am.

In the periods of time when Sean was asleep, I managed to shower and wash my hair, make the bed, put on a load of laundry and cook my breakfast. Note I said I cooked my breakfast, not ate my breakfast. Just as I was plating up my super quick omelette, Sean woke up, and no amount of shushing would get him to go back to sleep, so I left him in the bassinet to cry himself out a bit. This was the first of a few times today that I would leave him to cry in the bassinet.

We got to the surgery on time, and Dr Siva saw us straight away. Dr Siva asked if things were improving, and I burst into tears. We just can't seem to catch a break at the moment - there were new spots on Sean's head, and all the spots looked angrier and uglier than before. They were these awful pimples with white puss in each of them, and I just wished I had a vacuum that could suck all the puss out of all the pimples and leave my son's head and face nice and baby soft and smooth.

I told Dr Siva about Sean being more and more fussy, and wanting to feed every 2 hours, and how I just was feeling very overwhelmed by the constant feeding and caring for a fussy baby. Dr Siva was a bit worried about me, and said that I really should consider calling my mother and asking for help. I was still reluctant to go with that option, as Mum might say "OK, happy to help, bring the baby over", but what I really needed was help in my house, not take the baby somewhere else. I needed help to settle the baby in the house that he lived in, and I wasn't sure Mum would be happy to come over.

I also told Dr Siva that I felt like I was failing Sean, in that I didn't get his pimply spots seen to or treated earlier, and that I was feeling so overwhelmed by the increased frequency in feeding. Dr Siva assured me that I was doing a good job, that people have fussy babies all the time, and unfortunately, ours was a fussy baby, but hopefully, he will soon grow out of the fussy stage and get back on track. I really need Sean to be back on track soon - I am so exhausted right now.

We have an appointment to see Dr Arnold, Sean's paediatrician next Monday, and Dr Siva was pleased to hear that. She was happy with the antibiotics she'd prescribed Sean and asked me to continue the course for now. She also prescribed a medicated gel for the areas on Sean's head where the pimply spots had become infected and crusty, and asked me to get some sort of oil to rub on Sean's head to help ease the heat that may be causing the pimples to appear.

We made an appointment to see Dr Siva again next Thursday, and with that, we left to come home.

Sean was ready to have a sleep when we came home, and he did for a little while. He woke just after midday and had some lunch, but afterwards, he flatly refused to sleep. No amount of patting and shushing and swaying could get him to settle down and sleep. Sean cried and cried and cried, and struggled to be free of the swaddling. At one stage, I left him in the bassinet screaming his head off and walked away. I just couldn't be near the screaming, and took some time out to go to the kitchen to get a drink of water. I left Sean crying for about 5 minutes, and by the time I returned to the bedroom, Sean was almost limp from all the crying.

Almost as soon as I picked him up to comfort him, Sean started struggling against me again. The muslin cloth I'd used to swaddle him was proving to be useless, so I wrapped Sean up in the Miracle Blanket, which we only normally use at night, and tried to settle him again. After almost 90 minutes, Sean finally settled down and went to sleep at 1.50pm.

Either the Miracle Blanket provided comfort for Sean, or he was just exhausted from all the crying, the little man stayed asleep until just after 4pm when he woke for a feed. When Sean didn't wake at 3pm for a feed, I had to go and check on him to make sure Sean was still breathing. He was - he was just having a lovely sleep was all. After the feed, I wrapped Sean up in the Miracle Blanket again, and Sean fell asleep within 10 minutes.

Jonathan arrived home shortly after Sean fell asleep, and asked if we were still heading out to the shops for grocery shopping and dinner. As Sean had just fallen asleep, I was reluctant to wake him, so we stayed at home until 6.30pm, allowing Sean nearly 90 minutes of sleep.

Sean was well behaved when we got to the shops. Jonathan had Sean in the Minimonkey sling and Sean alternated from napping to looking adoringly at Daddy from the sling. We were able to have dinner in relative peace and quiet. After dinner, we got on with our grocery shopping, as it was getting late and Sean was getting hungrier by the minute.

By the time we paid for our groceries, it was just past 9pm, quite some time after Sean was due a feed. Sean was great though - he only started acting up as we neared home, by which time I had 2 very full boobs to empty into Sean's stomach.

Jonathan and Sean shared some father and son cuddles after the feed, before Jonathan put Sean to bed. Jonathan has now gone to bed himself, as should I. So glad tomorrow is Friday - one more day on my own and then I'll have Jonathan at home for the next 9 days to help during the day. Please, Sean, please let's have a good night tonight. Mummy really needs some sleep in order to be able to function and look after you properly!

Being Momma G: Day 54

Once again, my only function in life is to be a cow.

Sean was even more unsettled today than yesterday. After the 9pm feed, Sean slept until just after 1am and woke for a feed. We managed a relatively decent "dream feed", and I was able to put Sean back into the bassinet without him waking up. Sean woke again just after 4am for another meal, and this time, I was too tired to lift him back, so he slept in our bed (again). This was fast becoming a bad habit of mine, leaving him with me in the bed. This was something that we really did not want Sean to learn as Jonathan and I have no desire to co-sleep with Sean - he has a bassinet, and he also has a cot for when he's older, so he needs to be able to sleep on his own.

I think I'm going to have to suck it up and do more to battle my fatigue at night, and try and put Sean back into the bassinet. I may have shattered into a million pieces from sleep deprivation within a fortnight, but I think I need to try getting Sean back into his bassinet.

When Sean woke just before 6.30am, he was all ready for a feed, so much so he was nuzzling my boob looking for milk. Jonathan got Sean's medicine and fed the doses to Sean before heading off to work, after which we fed in bed. Sean wasn't too keen on going back to sleep afterwards, so so we stayed up for a little while before falling asleep again.

Just before 9am, I fed Sean again, and afterwards we both went to say hello to our lovely gardener Warren, who was paying his fortnightly visit to mow our lawn. Warren is actually the gardener for our complex; for years, he has taken care of the lawns in the common area and for a princely sum of $5, he also takes care of our small piece of lawn in the backyard, mowing it and doing the edges once a fortnight.

Sean managed a little bit of sleep after seeing Warren, so I had a shower and took out the garbage and checked the mailbox. I didn't get much else done, as the little guy woke up just before midday and demanded to be fed. Sean was extremely unsettled afterwards, and it took me almost 30 minutes to get him to sleep.

Just when I thought I would be able to have some lunch, Sean woke up again just after 2pm. I was beyond frustrated by this point, as I hadn't been able to eat, even though I'd just heated up some lunch in the microwave. Sean was stubbornly persistent about wanting to be fed, so I fed him first. At the end of the feed, I felt Sean didn't get enough milk, so I made up a bottle of formula for him as a top up and tried to feed it to him, hoping that this would help settle him afterwards and get him off to sleep for a longer period of time. Sean struggled against the bottle and I ended up having to squeeze the bottle to squirt the formula down the back of his throat for him to drink 20mL of it.

Afterwards, I tried to settle him as quickly as possible so I could get on with some lunch. Again, but Sean did not want to go back to sleep, so by the time he finally went down, my lunch was cold and needed reheating, which made it all the more disgusting to eat. But I was so hungry by this point that I didn't care about the taste - I just needed food in my belly to fill a void.

I was feeling so tired and so so so sore - everything hurt; nipples, neck, shoulders, arms, back, wrist, even my hand from patting the little guy to sleep. I so desperately needed a nap, but just as I would drift off, Sean would wake up. And that was exactly what happened just after 5pm, when I had just laid down on the couch and Sean started crying.

Jonathan came home just as I was finishing feeding, and I handed Sean to him to settle and put to sleep. I felt a little bit guilty about making Jonathan look after Sean even before Jonathan had had a chance to take his shoes off, but I just couldn't face trying to put Sean to sleep after the long long day.

Jonathan had very little trouble settling Sean, which I was both grateful for and envious of. I went about getting dinner ready, which we ate before Sean woke up again. We are getting quite good at sychronising dinner with Sean's sleeping and feeding patterns.

Sean woke again just after 8pm, which was an acceptable amount of time between the last feed and this one. The little man really needed to learn to sleep some between feeds. We fed and again Jonathan was able to settle Sean without too much fuss.

After such a long day, we are both going to head to bed. No doubt Sean will be awake again shortly, but in the meantime, I'm going to lay down and try and relieve my aching back.

Being Momma G: Day 53

It's Groundhog Day at Hill HQ. We're reliving the dark days of the early weeks of Sean's short life.

The little guy was so dreadfully unsettled all day. Last night, after a good long sleep, Sean woke at 11.30pm for a feed. Thankfully, he was easy to settle and went to sleep straight away. He woke again at 2am and then again at 5.30am, and both times he fed and slept. I was again too tired to try and lift him off our bed and put him back in the bassinet, and Sean seemed so happy sleeping in our bed, so we all stayed where we were and slept some more. I tried my best to sleep, but since Sean came along, I'd become a light sleeper, even more so when he had laid next to me in bed.

Sean woke at 8am and cried for a feed, but once we started, he didn't seem interested at all. It was a very short feed and he fussed and fought sleep for the next two and a half hours. Jonathan had organised an appointment at 11am for us to see the family law solicitor to discuss Jonathan's access to Mina and the process of formalising the current arrangements, and with the little man being so unsettled, there was no way Sean and I could make it to the city and through the meeting without Sean screaming down the house. So instead of heading to the city, we stayed home and had another feed.

Although again reluctant to sleep, Sean did finally go down for a sleep. I went about getting things ready for us to head to Mothers Group and waited for Sean to wake for his next feed, due around 1.30pm. If he was to stick to the schedule, there was a chance we'd make it to Mothers Group.

Unfortunately, Sean had other ideas, and even though he woke just after 1.30pm for a feed, he was extremely unsettled during the feed, which made me wonder the wisdom of taking him to Mothers Group after all. I just couldn't handle having Sean cry through yet another session - he'd displayed his displeasure at being dragged to Mothers Group for 4 weeks running already.

During the feed, Grace called and we had a long chat on the phone. Grace and Vinay and their family had just moved from their 4 bedroom house at Linley Point to a 3 bedroom unit in Chatswood, so that they could prepare the house for sale. Grace was quite stressed from the move - the packing of all their belongings at the house, the unpacking at the unit, and the rest - what to keep, what to toss, what to store, etc. Grace said she had hoarded so much stuff over the years that she wasn't sure what to do with half of it, and their storage spaces were both chock a block full. I told her to be ruthless and ask herself these questions: when was the last time I used this, and when am I likely to use it again, and if the answer is "18 months or more", toss it. I told her I had to be ruthless with my belongings when Jonathan and I moved house - we didn't want to bring all our stuff from the apartment to the house, only to then go through it all and throw things out. We wanted the extraneous items tossed out prior to the move, and I was quite good at tossing a large number of things - even Jonathan was proud of me!

We chatted about our kids and compared notes on what Sean was doing and what Grace's kids were doing at the same age. I was a bit worried about Sean's pimply spots, and Grace told me that Renée had spots too when she was about the same age as Sean. The spots would eventually go away, but for now, they were just so ugly on Sean's little angelic face, and I didn't want them there. Grace also asked about the Evil Witch and wanted to know what the latest saga was all about. I told her as succinctly as I could about the week of psychological terrorism, and that I was planning to pull away from Mina, and Grace didn't know what to say, only that she was thinking of me and hoped I'd get through this without too many more tears.

Grace and I were on the phone for over an hour, so it was just as well that I'd decided before speaking with Grace that Sean and I were going to skip Mothers Group today. The only reason for us to go out then was for Sean to get his 6 week check up by the nurse at the West Ryde ECHC.

Sean wasn't happy about getting his check up, and very loudly protested against the idea of being poked and pulled by a stranger. We arrived at the West Ryde ECHC just as the formal part of Mothers Group was finishing, and as soon as we sat down, Catherine the nurse noticed a number of things amiss with Sean. She noted the spots on Sean's head, and the rash on his neck and shoulders and on the top of his arms as well. Catherine had a good poke and prod with Sean, and unbuttoned his shirt to have a good look at the rash, which upset him greatly. Sean cried and cried and cried, and there wasn't an easy way to settle him again.

Catherine asked me a few questions about how Sean had been progressing lately, and I told her that he was crying to be fed every 2 hours, which was wearing me out as I didn't feel like I was getting any reprieve from the baby during the day. I told her that he was very unsettled as well, especially during the night, which meant I wasn't getting much sleep either.

After the questions, Catherine told me in no uncertain terms that she was not going to do his 6 week check today. The only reason we came out of the house today was emphatically denied. Great. I started crying, because I was feeling frustrated that I'd gone to the trouble of getting the little guy ready to head out of the house, for only ONE thing, and that thing was going to have to wait another week now because Sean was too upset for the check up to be performed properly. Catherine also said I should have taken Sean to the doctors when I first noticed the spots, because "babies don't normally get those great big pimples on his head - they're not normal hormonal spots". How the heck was I suppose to know that??? I just thought they were part of the heat rash that everyone kept telling me was appearing on Sean's head, face and body.

I really didn't want to go to the doctors again - I already felt like a hysterical mother, having been back at the doctors every 2nd or 3rd day with yet another ailment or complaint. But Catherine was very insistent that I should take Sean to the doctors, so I rang and made an emergency appointment to see Dr Siva. I was told to come straight down to the surgery and I'd be fitted in to the schedule.

I wasn't handling what Catherine had to say to me well. In my head, all I could hear her say was "You're doing it wrong - there are so many obvious signs that your baby is upset and / or unhealthy, but you are so totally oblivious to it - bad mother". I don't have a medical degree, so I wasn't to know that the pimply spots on Sean's head were not "normal" hormonal spots or heat rash, but Catherine made me feel like I should have known, and I should have got Sean checked out by the doctor. Catherine also spotted a few "crusty" scabs on Sean's neck, in particular a fairly large scab behind Sean's left ear. She asked me why I hadn't got that checked out, and I told her I hadn't even noticed it being there until she pointed it out. Catherine couldn't tell me what she thought the spots were, but she was fairly certain that the scab was a fungal infection of some description. She also said that the spots on Sean's arms could be a viral infection that Sean had picked up, which was probably causing the unsettled behaviour and the increased feeding. In telling me all of this, she made me feel like a complete failure, although I was hoping it wasn't her intention to upset me even more than I was already.

On our way out of the West Ryde ECHC, Sean and I bumped into Rebecca and her little girl Emily and Rachel and her little girl Madison. They looked concerned to see that I hadn't attended the group today, and told me they'd missed me. It was nice to be missed. I promised that we would be returning with Jonathan next week, being our last official session organised by the West Ryde ECHC.

We headed down to the doctors surgery and waited to see Dr Siva. The little guy cried while we waited and really didn't want to be there. When Dr Siva was finally ready to see us, Sean was slightly more settled, but only slightly. Dr Siva examined Sean as quickly as she could, but being as thorough as she was, it still took longer than Sean would have liked. Dr Siva said the pimply spots on Sean's head was more than likely part of a heat rash. The same went for the rash on his shoulders and on his upper arms. There were a few spots on his forearms, which she thought might be Sean's body fighting a virus, so she prescribed some antibiotics for Sean. Yay. More pharmaceuticals for us. What more drugs should we take? The poor little man had already had so many different drugs, courtesy of my infected tooth and infected C section scar, and now he needed to take more drugs to combat his virus.

Even though I shouldn't feel this way, I did (and still do) feel like I was failing as a mother. My inability to notice the various things that were "wrong" with my baby as well as the myriad of pharmaceuticals that had been introduced to Sean's system to combat the various things that were "wrong" were contributing to the feeling of failure. Having been so organised and meticulous with details all my working life, I was failing badly at project managing the baby and his health and wellbeing.

Sean was getting more and more upset at the doctors surgery, so as soon as we were done, we headed to the chemist at Top Ryde and bought Sean's medicine. By the time we got home, it was time to feed Sean again. I gave him his first dosage of medicine at the beginning of the feed, and when he was full, he was more than willing to sleep.

Jonathan came home to a bit of a mess - I was quite upset about feeling like a failure and the events of the day. Jonathan did his best to gather me and calm me down, but not much could help shake the feeling that Sean's unsettled behaviour was all my fault.

I was feeling so out of sorts that Jonathan offered to get his own dinner, so that I could have whatever took me fancy. Whenever I'd been upset in the past, a steaming bowl of noodles always worked wonders, so that was what I had. Jonathan heated up some beef chilli con carne and made some brown rice and even had leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

Sean woke just after 9pm for a feed, which we've just finished. We've given him some more medicine, so hopefully, this will help him sleep a bit more tonight. Sorry, little man, Mummy hopes you get better soon!

Being Momma G: Day 52

Either the little man was going through a growth spurt, or he was not well. Either way, Sean was fussier than usual.

Sean woke at 11.45pm for a feed, then again at 2.30am, and again at 4.30am, and again at 6.45am, and then again at 9.20am, and again at 11.50am, and again at 3.30pm. That was on average every 2 or so hours. To say the very least, I was feeling like I was pouring my milk down a bottomless pit that was constantly screaming at me for more food, which would also fuss and fight against sleep, making it all very difficult and tiring for everyone involved.

Because the little man was fussing so much all day long, there wasn't time for me to do anything else but to cater to Sean's every need. I felt very trapped all day long and unable to start or get on with anything at all - the feeds would take around 40 minutes, followed by up to 20 minutes to settle the baby, who would hopefully sleep for at least an hour, before he'd wake up and want the same again. All I did all day was get up from the couch, pick up the baby, sit down in the feeding chair, flop out my boobs, feed the baby, get up from feeding chair, wrap the baby in swaddling, sit down on my bed, pat and rock and shush the baby to sleep, get up off my bed, put the baby down in the bassinet, rock the bassinet and make shushing noises, walk out to the lounge room and sit down on the couch. I don't remember eating anything all day long, but I was sure I did eat something.

Jonathan came home from work to find me sitting on the couch with my eyes hanging out of my head. It had been a hard and long day, but we needed to eat, so while Sean was still asleep, I made dinner for us. Of course, Sean woke just as dinner was almost ready, around 7.30pm, so Jonathan ate while I fed Sean, and then Jonathan settled Sean while I ate dinner and cleaned up in the kitchen.

I have no idea what time the little man is going to wake up, but I can't keep my head up or my eyes opened any more, so I'm going to head to bed. A day of not much but a lot. I wonder how Sean is going to be like tomorrow.

Being Momma G: Day 51

Whether he knew something was amiss or the party last night wore him out, Sean stayed asleep until 5.30am before wanting a feed. As promised, Jonathan got out of bed, made up a bottle of formula for Sean and fed him before resettling the little man and coming back to bed.

Sean woke again just after 7am and had another feed, and enjoyed some time with Daddy who really needed some cuddles. Jonathan was pretty sad today, after Mina refused to stay last night and screamed to go home rather than try and sleep at our house. No one is any the wiser as to why she was having so many issues with sleeping over at our house, and we had planned to talk to Mina today to find out what was bothering her, so that we could try and fix it once and for all. The Evil Witch had not been able to shed light on the problem either - then again, the Evil Witch wasn't keen on asking Mina what was bothering her, so we are all in the dark.

With Mina having so many problems with sleepovers in recent days, Jonathan and I discussed the ramifications if Mina continued to have these problems. Mina seemed more than happy to spend one night a fortnight with us, so our sleepovers would change from Friday and Saturday nights every fortnight to Saturday nights only every fortnight. If this was to continue, there was absolutely no way in the world that I would be willing to take Mina to New Zealand on a week long holiday. Purely because there was no way we could take her home if she was to kick up a tantrum while we were overseas - we already have one baby to look after, we didn't need Mina to be a big baby either.

For Jonathan to give in to Mina last night, she was now aware that she could get her way if she was to simply throw a tantrum. I can only hope that last night was a one-off and it won't happen again, but chances are events could be repeated in a fortnight's time, which was already slated to be a 1 night sleepover because Jonathan and the Evil Witch want to "ease Mina back into the sleepover routine". I don't agree with this - a bit of tough love never hurt anyone and whilst Jonathan was optimistic that Mina would eventually return to the previous routine - 2 nights for sleepovers - I wasn't so sure.

Here are my concerns. What if Mina was having issues sleeping over all together? What if Mina threw another temper tantrum during the next sleepover and screamed to go home? Would Jonathan give in to Mina again and agree to let her go home? Or would Jonathan put his foot down and tell Mina to toughen up, stop fussing and go to sleep? And if Jonathan was to dish out some tough love, would we be put through the wringer again after the sleepover, when Mina got home and told her mother that she was forced to stay at our house and never wanted to sleep over again?

After spending so much money decking out her room, only to have her be the spoilt brat that she was fast becoming, I almost feel like telling Mina that she doesn't have a room at our house - she was allowed to sleep in the guest room because she was a guest and not a member of the family. I told Jonathan this, and felt a bit awful banging on about the money that I felt we'd thrown away, but Jonathan understood - money was quantifiable, whereas emotions weren't.

Another consequence was that Sean would not develop a close relationship with Mina, who would become an occasional visitor as opposed to an integral part of our family, as we'd always told her. With me already pulling back from Mina, and me planning to spend time away from Jonathan and Mina during her visits, Sean would obviously need to be with me wherever I went, and Mina would miss out on getting to know her little brother if she was only visiting us 1 day a week, instead of 3 days and 3 nights every fortnight.

Around 9.30am, Mina called Jonathan and asked if she could be picked up so she and Jonathan could come back to our house and go on their adventure to explore the nearby parks. Not bloody likely was my answer which was being screamed inside my head, and I didn't even have to say it - Jonathan was of the same mindset. Mina needed to learn that there were ramifications to her temper tantrum last night. Jonathan told Mina that once she went home, that was where she'd stay, and there was no way he was going back today to collect her. I couldn't hear Mina's answer, but from Jonathan's voice, Mina walked away from the phone after that.

I asked Jonathan to tell the Evil Witch about the knock on effects with Mina's wish to sleepover 1 night a fortnight being granted and pandered to, being that unless she was back to sleeping at our house for 2 nights every fortnight by the end of May, and continued to sleep over 2 nights every fortnight for at least 2 months, there was no way we would be taking her to New Zealand. Judging by what I could hear, which was Jonathan's side of the conversation, the Evil Witch was not happy with that idea - if we didn't take Mina, it would mean she would have to forego or alter whatever holiday plans she had with her partner to include Mina. I could almost hear her brain clunking away at the thought of having to alter her plans. Just more fodder for her to make herself even more of a martyr if she continued to give in to Mina. Yay.

Jonathan and I decided to head out to Top Ryde Shopping Centre for an outing, so we headed out after the 10.50am feed. With Mina's birthday just around the corner, we needed to get her a birthday gift. Plus we needed lunch, and there were areas of the shopping centre that we had yet to explore. First port of call was the food court, where I had a laksa and Jonathan had an Oporto burger.

We wandered around the centre after lunch, and before long, Sean also wanted his lunch, so we went to find a Parent's Room to feed. The room was warm and stuffy and understandably, Sean didn't enjoy being there and fed very quickly. Afterwards, we went to Big W and straight to the toy section to see if we could get something for Mina's birthday.

The toy selection wasn't that great, but we still managed to find a couple of things that would suit the purpose. We chose one, and then we stumbled on the clearance table, where Jonathan came across the K'NEX Sonic Blizzard Coaster. He was so excited with his find, and the price was right, so I encouraged him to buy the kit. That should keep him occupied for a while!

On our way to the checkouts, we went past the Easter Egg section, and decided to buy Easter Eggs for my nieces and nephews today, instead of waiting until closer to Easter and be fighting the crowds for chocolates. We chose a couple of things, as well as a couple of treats for ourselves, and headed to pay for everything.

It wasn't until we were well and truly out of the shop before I realised that we'd forgotten to pay for a packet of Cadbury Mini Creme Eggs. Quite by accident, we had sub-legally acquired these treats, as I'd put them on a different part of the pram and away from the other goodies. The packet was partly obscured by everything else, and we'd walked out of the shop without paying for them. Oops!

The remainder of the afternoon and evening, with the baby waking every 3 hours for a feed. We've just finished another feed, and with Sean getting progressively unsettled with each feed, we are all going to head to bed and hope for a restful night.

Being Momma G: Day 50

Jonathan is truly magic. Within 10 minutes of him taking Sean into his arms last night, Sean fell asleep.

While Sean was drifting off, we had a lovely chat about our school days. It had been such a long time since we had had a good chat - we worked out that the last time we sat down and had a good one on one chat about things not related to the wedding and the new house and the baby was quite possibly early last year. Or some time in August during our honeymoon. Either way, it had been a very long time since there were just the 2 of us talking about us, and it was lovely.

The little man slept until 1.30am when he woke up for a feed. Mina was also awake and needed a little bit of help to go back to sleep, but back to sleep she went, as did Sean, at least for a little while. Sean woke again at 3am and had a snack feed, then again at 4.30am, and again at 6am, and again at 8.35am. By the time I finished feeding Sean just after 9am, I was exhausted.

After a full week of outings, and all the crap that went on with the Evil Witch, I didn't feel much like going anywhere. However, after Jonathan and Mina spent the morning making arts and crafts, and having so much fun doing it, we decided to head out to Spotlight to pick up a few more bits and pieces for Mina's arts and crafts box. After lunch (for everyone), we headed to Birkenhead Point and went for a bit of a shop.

We spent about an hour wandering through the fabric section, where Mina chose 3 swatches that she liked, and I picked up a few bits and pieces too. By the time we were finished at Spotlight, Sean was starting to be a bit whingy, so we left for home. The little man enjoyed his feed at 3.40pm and had some cuddles with Daddy for a while. At 5.30pm, Sean and I set off on our big adventure, to attend Lissy's birthday party.

A couple of days ago, when I decided to pull back a bit from Mina after the Evil Witch and the crap, I also decided that I wanted to go to Lissy's birthday party, so I could see my friends and be out of the house, and take Sean to meet more uncles and aunties. This was going to be the first time I'd been out with Sean at night by myself, so I was a little bit anxious, but excited at the same time - it'd been a while since I'd seen most of the people at the party, and I was looking forward to catching up with my friends.

Jonathan and Mina were all set for dinner - they were going to have fish finger burritos, and then stories before bed. Everyone seemed happy when I left the house.

Sean and I arrived at Lissy and Dave's house just after 6pm - Sean was asleep for the entire car trip, and only woke up when I parked the car. He was immediately hungry, so almost as soon as we were in the house and greeted everyone, Sean and I sat down to his dinner. When Sean was finished, he was passed around from one person to another - whoever wanted a cuddle was given a chance.

We stayed a lot longer than we had anticipated - there was a window of opportunity when we could have left, but Sean was sleeping so peacefully in the pram that I decided to let him sleep. Just as I was thinking about leaving, Sean woke up and wanted his feed, so we stayed and fed before packing up and heading home.

As we were getting ready to leave, I saw I'd missed 2 calls from Jonathan and there was a message waiting for me. Things at home weren't going so well. Mina had been happy all night long - dinner was a huge hit, and they got ready for bed, but the minute they sat down on her bed, she kicked up a big tantrum and refused to try to sleep. It wasn't that she couldn't sleep, she just didn't try. After 2 calls to her mother, the Evil Witch went by the house and collected Mina to take her home.

Yes, the child threw a temper tantrum, the first one in almost 2 years, and Jonathan caved and said "you can have whatever you want" and agreed to let Mina go home. Jonathan did exactly what we told the Evil Witch to not do - let the child dictate the terms and get her way.

Understandably, Jonathan was sad by the latest turn of events. He was now going to be missing out on spending tomorrow with Mina, especially when he had planned to do a few fun things with Mina during the day. And I certainly was not helping the situation by telling him that he should have put his foot down and told Mina to suck it up and go to sleep. But as I had made up my mind to pull away from Mina, it wasn't really my place to say "I told you so". Still, I couldn't help myself, and said my piece when I got home.

Right now, Sean is asleep and I've already made a deal with Jonathan that Sean was going to be fed a bottle of formula for his next feed, as my nipples can't handle any more feeding for the next few hours. It's late, and it's been a long day, so we're all going to head to bed.

Being Momma G: Day 49

Another bad night. I don't know how many more of these I can handle.

After Jonathan took Sean to bed, I stayed up to have some "me time". I just needed to be by myself, and not be looking after a husband or a baby or both. I was over-exhausted anyway and couldn't sleep, so I played games on the computer and watched TV until around 1.30am.

Sean woke about half an hour after I went to bed. He was sleeping back in his bassinet last night, after spending 3 nights in bed with us, and he was sleeping relatively well by the time he was hungry at 2am. It was a bit of a struggle to get Sean to be awake enough to feed, but asleep enough to be resettled easily back in the bassinet after the feed. I tried to stay awake to feed Sean, but I found myself nodding off now and again. It felt like I was feeding for abut 3 hours, and in actual fact, Sean had been on one side for about an hour and then was on the other side for about 30 minutes. When I tried to move him back to the bassinet, Sean would be OK for about 10 minutes before he would become unsettled and wanted to be held. In the end, he came back into bed with me, which meant I was never really able to fall into a deep sleep for fear of rolling over on top of Sean and suffocating him.

Sean woke again just after 6am and again it felt like we fed for hours and hours and hours. Jonathan was already working by the time I started feeding Sean, and by 8am, I just didn't want to feed a sometimes fussy and sometimes sleeping baby who was either fighting the boob or totally asleep. I took Sean to Jonathan for cuddles while I went to the toilet and brushed my teeth, and felt totally shattered by the lack of sleep. Meanwhile, Jonathan changed Sean's nappy and put him in a clean baby suit and shared some cuddles in the study.

I desperately needed more sleep, and I tried to laid down in bed with Sean on my belly for a while. Sean was happy for a short time, and even when he started fussing and crying, I was too tired to do much by way of comforting him. Luckily, Jonathan had finished his morning shift by that time, and took Sean for a walk so I could have a little bit more sleep.

I managed to catch about 90 minutes of shut eye before I woke with a start. It was nearly 11am, and I had wanted to wake up and feed Sean at 10.30am. We'd arranged to have lunch with my parents at 12 noon, and I wanted Sean to be fed, us to be showered and dressed and ready to head out by 11.30am. Unfortunately, in his effort to ensure I got a bit more rest, Jonathan didn't come to wake me at 10.30am, and we were now running quite late.

According to Jonathan, when he came to see if I was ready to feed Sean at 10am, I'd asked to be left alone for another 30 minutes. I have no recollection of this.

While I fed Sean, Jonathan showered and shaved. By the time Sean was full, there was no time for me to have a shower, so I hurriedly got dressed and we raced out the door. We ended up being half an hour late to lunch, but thankfully, my parents were understanding - Sean is their 6th grandchild after all, so they are well used to my sisters being late with their kids.

We had a lovely meal, even though Sean cried almost the whole time. He had a short sleep for about 10 minutes, but he was quite vocal for the rest of the time. As Mum had a doctor's appointment at 1.30pm, and I had an appointment with Dr Lee, our lovely dentist at 2pm, lunch was a relatively quick affair.

Sean was quite hungry by the time we'd finished lunch, so we raced down to Dr Lee's surgery to find a parking spot. Once parked, I gave Sean a quick feed in the car, before ducking upstairs to have my teeth cleaned. We had to be quick, as we were also due to pick up Mina from school at 3pm. All week, I'd said to Jonathan that we would be cutting it fine, and all week, Jonathan was confident that we would make it on time to pick up Mina from school. After all the mess and grief from Mina's mother this week, the last thing I wanted was for her to have yet another thing to hold against us for being late to collect Mina.

And lo and behold, we were late. Dr Lee didn't finish what he needed to do, but had to let me go at 2.45pm so that we could make our way to Bankstown. I now have to make another appointment in a fortnight's time for Dr Lee to finish what he started. We then got stuck in traffic, so by the time we arrived at Mina's school, we were more than 30 minutes late.

Mina looked happy and excited to be spending the weekend with us, contrary to what her mother had been telling us earlier in the week. And guess what? German lessons may not be starting tomorrow, because the two-bit organisation that is running the lessons haven't yet confirmed a booking for a venue to hold the lessons. All that grief, and for what? Twat.

Sean was crying as we were heading to collect Mina, and by the time we left Mina's school, he was hysterically crying from hunger. For about 30 minutes, Sean screamed and screamed and screamed some more. His whole head was bright red from his screaming by the time we got home. The second we walked through the door, I took my shirt off and pushed a boob into Sean's mouth. He was much happier after that. After all that crying, Sean was completely worn out and fell asleep without too much of a fuss after the feed.

It was nearly 5pm by the time Sean was asleep, which meant I had to start preparing dinner for Jonathan, me and Mina. Jonathan had helped Mina to have a shower and wash her hair when I was feeding Sean, and with Jonathan having to return to work at 4.30pm, Mina was happily playing games on the computer next to Jonathan.

I'd promised Mina a potato bake to go with mini sausages and broccoli for dinner, and the potato bake turned out in sensational fashion. We all managed to enjoy and finish our dinners before Sean woke for his dinner, and while I fed Sean, Jonathan and Mina did their bedtime routine - stories and a short chat before lights out for Mina, who was happily asleep without any troubles at all within 10 minutes.

Sean, on the other hand, had a lot of trouble falling asleep, and once asleep, had a lot of trouble sleeping on his own. He wanted to be cuddled and I've now spent 2 hours patting and shushing him, only to have his eyes snap open within a minute of me putting him into his bassinet. Jonathan has now taken Sean into his arms to try and settle the little man, so I'm going to sign off and lay in bed next to my two most favourite people on earth and hope the big guy can work his magic on the little guy, so that we can all get some sleep tonight.

Being Momma G: Day 48

Mina changed her mind. All by herself, Mina decided that she will come to sleep over on Friday night after all. Fucking stupid twat Evil Witch for putting us through the wringer for 3 fucking days.

After terrorising us for 3 days, we received a phone call today to say that Mina had changed her mind about sleeping over for Saturday night only. She now wanted to spend the whole weekend with us, from Friday afternoon after school to Sunday afternoon just before dinner. And there was a big chance that the German lessons would not be held on Saturday - the organisers were having some difficulties securing a venue to hold the lessons.

Fucking stupid twat Evil Witch.

I apologise for the strong language. However, I will not apologise for calling her a fucking stupid twat Evil Witch.

I didn't sleep very well last night. Sean woke just after 11pm for a feed, and because he was sleeping in the bed with us, I kept waking to his movements, and anticipating when he was going to wake up for his next feed. Sean woke at 2.30am and at 6.30am, fed and then went back to sleep.

We had made an appointment with my long time friend Grahame to do Jonathan's taxes. Grahame was an accountant whose accountancy firm was in Epping, and who had done my taxes in the past. Grahame and I became friends back in the day when we were both part of the Macquarie University Soccer Club, but since leaving the club, we slowly lost touch with each other.

Our appointment was at 9.30am, and Sean woke at 8.30am for a feed. I tried to get Sean to focus on his feeding, and for a change, the little man was compliant, and we were finished with the feed and ready to head out the door at 9.15am.

We got to Grahame's office a little bit late, thanks to my moment of distraction which took us to the wrong side of Epping. It took some time get back on track, but thankfully, Grahame wasn't too upset with us being a little bit late.

It was good to see Grahame - still lovely and fun and full of laughs after all these years. Grahame looked over Jonathan's papers and did some preliminary calculations, and worked out that Jonathan may be lucky to break even after putting in his tax returns for the past 3 years. Meanwhile, I promised to find my papers and get my taxes sorted as soon as possible.

After our visit with Grahame, we headed to Macquarie Centre for a late breakfast / early lunch. The little man slept for some of the time during lunch, as he did manage to get to sleep while we were in Grahame's office, but he woke up just as we were finishing, so we went in search of a Parents Room to feed the little man. After the feed, we did a little bit of shopping, which proved to be quite a successful trip.

On our way home, we swung by West Ryde Post Office to pick up my new passport as well as Sean's first passport. What a super quick turnaround for the Australia Passport Office - from the date of the passport interview to the day the Registered Mail notice was delivered to us was a total of a week. Awesome.

The line at the Post Office was quite long, and Sean was already quite vocal about wanting a feed when I left the car. By the time I returned, Sean was totally worked up and beside himself with hunger, his head was completely beet red and he was crying real tears. Poor little monkey moo. As soon as we arrived home, I stripped off and fed Sean. Our little darling was so tired after the feed that he crashed out in my lap straight after the feed. I was reluctant to move him, as he looked so peaceful and gorgeous, so I left him to sleep for the next 2 hours.

While Sean was sleeping in my lap, I reflected on the part of the week that didn't involve the Evil Witch. With Jonathan working from home this week, my routine with Sean changed to include Jonathan between 9am and 5pm. We also had a lot more outings because it was easier to get around when there were 2 of us to care for Sean. Whilst it had been nice to have Jonathan's company, I found it hard to have Jonathan at home.

There were both pluses and minuses with Jonathan being at home. It was really lovely to have someone bring me drinks and coffee and food while I was feeding Sean, but cleaning up after Jonathan took some of the shine off being waited on. To be honest though, I was finding it hard to have Jonathan work from home. Jonathan wanted to be helpful and was great, but fact is, I don't actually need help during the day. I needed help after 5pm, when I'd been looking after the baby all day and I was feeling tired, when the baby needed to be fed and changed, and dinner needed to be cooked, and everything happened all at once. But I felt guilty asking Jonathan to help then, because he was suppose to be working, but as much as a super mum I think I am, I can't settle the baby and cook / eat dinner and go to the toilet at the same time.

Sean woke at 6.45pm for his dinner, and as soon as I'd finished feeding him, Jonathan took Sean and tried to settle him while I made dinner. The little man helped out by going back to sleep, and woke again just before 10pm for another feed.

Jonathan has just gotten Sean to sleep, but I'm totally wired and desperately needing to be alone. I think I'm going to stay up for a bit and get some "me" time.

Being Momma G: Day 47

After 3 days of not much sleep at all, plus the stupidness that was being caused by that unstable lunatic, it all became too much for me last night when Sean wanted to be fed just after 11pm.

As I held the crying baby in my arms, I tried to calm myself so that Sean would have a good feed. I was not successful. The baby fussed and fought against my breast, and gave up all together after 20 minutes. Sean didn't want to settle after the feed, and I just cried and cried and cried, apologising to Jonathan for poisoning our baby with my breast milk that was tainted by the antibiotics for my infected tooth. Jonathan took Sean from me to settle him, and as soon as I handed the baby over, I dropped off to sleep.

As the baby was still a bit unwell, we decided to put Sean in bed with us for another night. After Jonathan settled Sean, the little man stayed asleep until 4am, allowing us at least a few hours of rest. He was a bit better during this feed and went straight back to sleep afterwards.

Sean was really restless for the next couple of feeds. He woke at 7.45am and fed for half an hour before dozing off, and then woke again at 9am and fed for another half an hour. Thankfully, Sean did manage a fairly decent stretch of sleep before he woke again at 11.35am for his next feed. My nipples were beginning to really sting from all the snack feeding.

There was more stupidness from Mina's mother today. More of the same garbage, with the Evil Witch continuing to call us and trying to force us to agree to change the sleepover schedule, and accusing us of neglecting and emotionally blackmailing Mina. So fed up with this rubbish was I that I banned Jonathan from speaking to her on the phone again, and made Jonathan ask the Evil Witch to contact us via email or text message. Although not happy with the idea, she complied. More than anything else, we needed everything in writing, so that there is no misunderstanding or misinterpretation of what was being said. I was secretly hoping she would continue her pious attack and accuse us of all of the above in writing.

As we have an appointment with the solicitors next week, we felt it was best that we have no more verbal contact with the Evil Witch. Specifically, I wanted to be able to show the solicitor the stupidness that we have to put up with, in writing. The twat called 4 times, even though we had told her in no uncertain terms that we will not be speaking with her on the phone and that if she has anything to say, she needed to email or text us. When we continued to refuse to take her phone calls, she complied with our wishes and sent us emails. Yes, emails - if Jonathan didn't email the twat back straight away, because God forbid that we have lives to live and are not chained to the computer waiting with bated breath for her emails, she would send follow up emails titled "did you receive my last email?" Unbelievable.

Because we have been bombarded and besieged by this Evil Witch for 3 days, we found ourselves nervous and anxious, waiting for that next phone call or next email in this relentless campaign of terrorism. I know this sounds melodramatic, but this is how I feel - besieged, bombarded, harassed, terrorised. It left us looking over our shoulders, even in the safety of our own home, because somewhere some time along the way, we had to give our address to mutual associates, who may have passed on the details to the Evil Witch. Considering how she has hounded me in the past, when Jonathan gave her my mobile phone number as a secondary contact, I would not put it past her to stalk us at our house.

Oh, and my fears are justified - we asked the Evil Witch to never ever ever call me, at least half a dozen times, and she still continues to call me at random times. Her number is listed in my phone as "Do Not Answer Evil Witch".

Sometime between midday and 2pm, Jonathan and I were sitting on the couch watching TV when I looked up out of our front window and saw a person milling around outside our neighbour Marie's villa. To me, the person looked like the Evil Witch, and my heart flew to my mouth and I started shaking. In my panicked state, I nudged Jonathan and spluttered "It's her, it's her", and Jonathan jumped up and ran outside, ready to confront the Evil Witch for coming to our house uninvited. The person turned out to be someone who had just finished visiting Marie, and not the Evil Witch.

We are so rattled by the events of this week that we nearly attacked a perfectly innocent stranger. Calling her an Evil Witch is actually understating how terrified we feel right now.

The little man woke just before 2.30pm for a feed, but was quite restless throughout the feed. A combination of Sean's blocked nose and quite possibly him being able to sense my fear and still churning stomach made for a fidgety baby during the feed. He struggled and fought against sleep afterwards, but once he went to sleep, he stayed asleep until 6pm, when he woke for his next meal.

The baby is still asleep; poor little mite must be tired. I am totally drained. I really need a good night's sleep, but with the baby still suffering from a blocked nose, we decided to have him sleep with us again. I'm expecting him to wake up for a feed soon, so I'm going to head to bed and get ready for him.

Being Momma G: Day 46

Did I mention I always have nightmares after being verbally attacked by the idiot mother of Mina? I had a doozy last night.

I dreamed that I was sitting in a beautician's chair, getting a facial which was fairly normal. Then the beautician saw I had a pimple on my chest and said "Oh, we'll have to do something about that". She picked up a pair of compasses and stabbed the pointy end into the pimple, which made the pimple bleed. Not content with the initial stab, the beautician then swirled and stirred the sharp implement around in my chest, saying "We really need to get to that whitehead and get it out", and the harder and faster she swirled and stirred the pointy bit, the more blood came pouring out. I was shocked to see how much blood was pouring down my chest to my belly, and made a noise, to which the beautician said "You might want a tissue" and gave me 1 tissue to mop up the flood of blood. I woke up just as I realised there was no way I could mop up all the blood with one tissue.

Hmmm ... anyone want to interpret that dream for me?

Sean woke at 11pm for a feed last night, just as we were both thinking of heading to bed. It was decided that I should feed Sean in bed, as we were all quite tired, so we laid down and Sean managed 20 minutes on the left breast before he fell asleep. As he was still feeling unwell, we kept him in bed with us, which meant I didn't get a lot of sleep as I was constantly aware that Sean was right next to me, and I didn't want to roll over on top of him and squash our little man.

Sean woke again at 4.45am and had a "dream feed" - he fed in his sleep - so I was able to doze again after he was finished. Poor little man - he did bring up some of the milk, but wasn't too unsettled after the feed.

At some point early this morning, it finally dawned on me today that Sean's reflux may be worse at the moment due to the antibiotics I was taking to clear up my tooth infection. So not only was I a flaky mess of emotions, I was also feeding my son pharmaceuticals that was making him sick. What a great mother I am.

Today was a busy day, with lots of planned appointments, so the last thing we needed was Mina's mother causing more problems for us. And that's exactly what she did. We received more phone calls, with her abusing Jonathan for "letting me do his dirty work for him" yesterday when Jonathan put her on speaker phone so both of us could try to have a conversation with her. The idiot (to be known as the Evil Witch from here on in) continued her line of attack and repeated her baseless accusations: that I was emotionally blackmailing Mina, that we were being unreasonable to expect Mina to return to the normal routine of sleeping over 2 nights every 2nd weekend, that we didn't have Mina's best interest at heart, that we didn't care about Mina's happiness, that Jonathan was shirking his paternal responsibilities and was trying to wriggle out of paying the full amount of child support as dictated by the Child Support Agency.

Between stupid phone calls from the Evil Witch, Jonathan got in contact with the family law solicitor that we'd engaged in October last year and made an appointment to see him. The earliest available appointment was for Tuesday next week, so we confirmed a time and hoped that the solicitor will be able to help us with immediate effect during the meeting.

We had an appointment to see Dr Siva for Sean's 6 week jabs at 10am, so we tried to time a feed with the visit, so that Sean would be relatively happy by the time Dr Siva was ready to see us, and not scream the surgery down like he has in the past. Sean was very brave for his jabs - I think I winced more than he did when Dr Siva gave him his 2 needles.

As usual, Dr Siva was very thorough with her examination. She asked me lots of questions about my health and wellbeing too, which was so lovely of her. Our visit lasted almost an hour, and by the time we were finished, we had to rush off to St Leonards to see Dr Baber for my 6 week postnatal check up.

Dr Baber was very happy with my progress, and apologised for the confusion surrounding the dressing on my C section scar and how long it should have stayed on for. Both Jonathan and I were under the impression that the dressing was to stay on until it fell off, but after 3 weeks, the dressing was still very much stuck to my skin. By this time, parts of the scar had gotten infected and when I did finally peel off the dressing, there was a fairly sizeable abscess in one area, with another 3 forming along the scar. I ended up having to take a course of antibiotics to treat the infection, which I was not happy about. Aside from this, all was well and I had one final weigh in on the scales. 63kg. I haven't been 63kg in over 15 years!

There being no concerns or worries, Dr Baber wished us well and sent us on our way. We hope to see him again in the near future, if and when we are blessed with another baby.

We hurried home after this, as Sean was getting restless and wanted to feed again. We got home just after midday, and Sean had a good feed while Jonathan got himself some lunch. When Sean was done, I found myself some lunch and scoffed it down, as we were running a little behind schedule and it looked like we would be late for Mothers Group.

Which we were. We were the last to arrive, at 2.10pm, but bless them, the ladies waited for us to arrive. Almost as soon as we arrived, Sean started crying and cried the whole way through the information session. I think Sean is determined to show off his crying prowess to everyone at every session - he's been unsettled every time! Today's group discussion was about how we were feeling now that we were mothers, and how our babies had affected our relationships with our partners, family and friends. I wasn't able to participate in any of the discussions as Sean protested against sleep during the whole discussion. Sean was so bad that at one point, the mother-in-law of one of the ladies came over to me and offered to nurse Sean so I could at least listen to the group, but I couldn't inflict the little man's large set of lungs on her, so I thanked her profusely for her offer and soldiered on.

Again, the same group of ladies stayed behind and chatted. I am looking forward to continuing the friendships with Rachel, Candy, Janet and Suzie after the regular group sessions are finished.

We arrived home just after 4.30pm, and the little guy had a few cuddles with Jonathan before falling asleep. I took the opportunity to have a chat with Jonathan about the latest stupidness that has been bestowed upon us.

As much as it was a harsh thing to say, and I did hated myself a little for bringing it up, I made a suggestion to Jonathan that we cut our losses with Mina. To that end, I suggested that we cave in to the Evil Witch's demands and pay her the extra child support so Mina doesn't have to sleep over any more. The extra amount totals to $1,000 per year, which I was more than happy to pay out of my own pocket, if it meant that the Evil Witch would get off our backs and stop harassing us. I also said to Jonathan that he has a family - Jonathan and me and Sean - we are a family - we are the Hills - we love and appreciate Daddy, so let's focus on this family. I was surprised to hear Jonathan's response.

Jonathan said he had thought about that too - he even went so far as to say that he has secretly wished Mina's mother and her partner would get married and move away, so that we would only see Mina during school holidays and thereby substantially decreasing our contact with the Evil Witch. Life would be a lot easier if we didn't have to deal with such stupidness all the time. Jonathan said that if it wasn't for Mina, he would have nothing to do with the Evil Witch, and sometimes he wished he can wash his hands of her.

I normally don't wish harm on anyone, but I sometimes wish Mina's mother would actually harm herself when she spins out of control during another one of what I call her "psychotic episodes", enough so that we would gain full custody of Mina and stop having to deal with the stupidness that happens about a dozen times a year.

This latest attack has again left me completely frightened of that Evil Witch and shaking in my boots, with both rage and fear. Every time she contacts us, I shake. I have never recovered from the time she harassed me for a week (about a year ago), wanting to know why I didn't want to be friends with her. Every time she rings Jonathan, even when she's lucid and not insane like she is currently, I shake and shudder. My hands shake so much I can't grip or hold anything, my heart rate goes up and my heart literally pounds in my chest and it takes me about 5 minutes to settle down afterwards. This latest attack has been more personal than the others in the past, and today, I am genuinely fearful of her, to the point that I have considered applying for an Apprehended Violence Order against her, legally stopping her from approaching me or Sean or our house. She doesn't play nice nor fair; hasn't in the past and is likely to never play nice nor fair in the future, and unfortunately, an AVO is the sort of length I may have to go to to protect me and mine.

Incidentally, I have tried being friends with her - in the early days, we involved her in our outings with Mina and drove her places, all at our expense. I even bought her birthday presents, Christmas presents and Mother's Day gifts. But every time she did something stupid, like she's doing now, I lost a bit of respect for her. The beginning of the end was when she called 6 times during my birthday dinner 2 years ago, twice on my phone and 4 times on Jonathan's. Thinking it must have been an emergency, Jonathan finally took the call. Want to hazard a guess as why she so urgently needed to get in contact with us? She had lost her ride to Mina's Christmas concert, being held 10 days later. Yes, she had 10 whole days to find another way of getting to the concert. A year ago, after she harassed me for a week, calling me up to 4 times a day to ask why I didn't want to be friends with her, I lost all respect for her, and she completely destroy any chance of me ever wanting to be friends with her when, after I told her that I had far too much on my plate to she then got her partner to call Jonathan and accuse Jonathan of being an incompetent father.

I know I should just ignore her and be the bigger person, take a deep breath and walk away with my dignity intact. But when she attacks my darling man, and when she takes aim at me, it's hard for me to hold back. I engage in battle mode, which makes things worse for me, because that hypocritical selfish egocentric inconsiderate nasty piece of work will never listen to reason and talks over the top of everyone and everything, because she thinks she's always right and has the right to order people around and demand the unreasonable. Whilst I get upset and sit with my stomach in knots and my heart pounding in my ears for days and days on end, she is feeling all better because she's unloaded her poison on to us. Jonathan has had 10 years of practice and has learned to not react to the twat, but I've only had 3 years, so I can only hope that I will one day be able to brush off the poison just like Jonathan does.

In the meantime, Jonathan and I are Team Hill, and we will stand united and strong and face the adversities as they arise.

Sean was a good boy and allowed Daddy and Mummy time to talk, and only woke up for a feed just before 8pm. After the feed, I cooked dinner while Jonathan settled the little man, and even though he fought sleep for a little bit, he still went down and stayed down for a couple of hours.

After such a long day of appointments and being forced to ride that horrible emotional roller coaster, we are both exhausted. I was thinking about going to bed, but Sean has just woken up and wants a final feed for today. I better go and tend to my prince.

Being Momma G: Day 45

Happy Valentine's Day!

Last night was another awful awful night. I think I managed about 90 minutes of sleep in total.

Sean woke for a feed at 10.40pm but didn't feed very well. It took him quite a while to settle down, and after what seemed like a short nap, Sean woke at 1.30am and fed for 45 minutes, before taking ages to settle down for another short nap. Sean woke again at 3.30am and fed for 40 minutes. Same as before - took ages to settle, and woke again at 5.30am and fed for 30 minutes. By the time Sean cried to be fed at 8.15am, I was totally drained in every sense of the word.

Because he was so unsettled and constantly wanting to be fed, Sean slept in our bed with us for most of the night. By morning, the incessant crying had made Sean hoarse, and it sounded like he had a blocked nose as well. Sean was also bringing up milk after each feed, something that had happened only once before.

We were all so tired by sunrise. Jonathan was scheduled to work from home this week, working from 6.30am to 9am, and then again from 4.30pm to 11pm. Shortly after the 5.30am feed finished, Jonathan got out of bed and had to start work. I wondered how I was going to get through the day with the tiny amount of sleep.

As if we didn't have enough to deal with, Mina's mother was causing problems and grief, where there really wasn't a need. Without consulting Jonathan, Mina's mother enrolled Mina into German lessons that were being held every Saturday morning. Mina's mother, as per usual, told Jonathan after everything and everyone was committed. As the lessons were on a Saturday morning, Mina's mother wanted Mina to forego all Friday night sleepovers so "Mina would be well rested and prepared for German lessons". Effectively, this would cut Mina's sleepovers with us down by 50%, which in turn also affects the amount of child support Jonathan has to pay. Mina mentioned once or twice to her mother that she had experienced some minor difficulties getting to sleep during the last sleepover, but the last sleepover was the hottest Saturday in Sydney in 85 years, and not only did Mina have trouble sleeping, no one else in Sydney got any sleep at all. Based on this, Mina's mother was adamant that sleepover weekends should start on Saturday afternoon after German lessons.

Mina's mother kept calling us throughout the day, each phone call becoming more and more unreasonable, with her becoming more and more hysterical with her demands. She all but insisted that Mina was going into an emotional meltdown about coming to our house for a sleepover this weekend, and that we should "respect Mina's wishes to not sleepover". Instead of being the parent and the adult, Mina's mother was allowing Mina to dictate terms and conditions. This was not the first time we've heard this argument, and we're sure it won't be the last. Mina's mother went on to accuse Jonathan of calling the Child Support Agency to reduce the amount of child support and that he was basically not pulling his weight and leaving her and Mina destitute with no financial support. And to top it all off, Mina's mother moved from unreasonable to belligerent, accusing me of emotionally blackmailing Mina.

Sorry, idiot, you are the expert at emotionally blackmailing Mina, not me. You do it every day, even when she is with us, by repeatedly calling us and insisting on wanting to talk to Mina because you apparently miss her so much, even though we are going to be dropping her home an hour after your phone call. Twat.

With Sean being so unsettled, and with all the other niggles such as the blocked nose and the reflux, I was worried enough to suggest that Jonathan and I took Sean to see the doctor. Meanwhile, we couldn't get Mina's mother off the phone because she had whipped herself up into a frenzy, having speared herself on top of a pedestal and made herself a martyr. After she accused me of emotional blackmail, I stormed off and made the decision to cut that cancerous woman out of my life. I don't need to deal with her shit, and what's more, I will not stand for her accusing me of psychologically damaging her child when she has done just that to Mina, every day of Mina's life.

So why was I being accused of emotionally blackmailing Mina? I asked Mina to stop referring to the Evil Witch's partner as "daddy" while in our house, after Mina specifically told me "Mummy is making me call (Evil Witch's partner) daddy".

With or without Jonathan, I was going to take Sean up to see the doctor. Luckily, Jonathan had also had enough of the rubbish, so after hanging up, we drove Sean to the doctors. Dr Siva wasn't available, so we saw Dr Chapman, who is Dr Siva's boss. Dr Chapman checked Sean's breathing, and listened to his chest, took his temperature, and looked inside his ears. Dr Chapman did not think there was anything wrong with Sean, but told us that a saline spray could help Sean with his breathing. Jonathan and I both felt a little better to know there wasn't anything wrong with Sean, and after we got home, it was time to feed Sean again.

After the unwarranted trouble from Mina's mother in the morning, Jonathan spent the afternoon contacting the Child Support Agency, who told Jonathan that the same amount of money that he was paying every month was still being paid to Mina's mother every month, and that his account was actually in credit. There were no alterations to the payments - the same amount that was always paid to Mina was being paid every month.

Jonathan also spent some time liaising with the family law solicitor we had contacted late last year to ascertain where we were up to with formalising the child access arrangements. The solicitor said he had not heard back from Mina's mother, and we should make another appointment to see him and discuss the matter further. When Mina's mother called again to have another go, Jonathan asked her if she ever received the notification from our solicitor. She said she did, but because the written arrangements were both vague and lacked flexibility, she ignored the letter. Mina's mother did not want the arrangements to be put in writing, because she wanted to be able to call us without notice and change the access arrangements to suit her. She wanted to be able to hold all the cards and jerk us around as much as she felt like it.

Not bloody likely.

I still don't know how Jonathan can handle speaking with that ridiculous woman in such a calm manner. My blood boils every time she calls us, and I physically shake like a leaf when I know it's her on the phone. She is toxic. Totally crazy. Pure evil. It's too late for Mina - she will forever be tainted, but I don't want that brand of crazy and evil in my house, especially anywhere near my son.

I made the heartbreaking decision to stem my relationship with Mina.

I talked to Jonathan about this. I was especially gutted to be accused of emotionally blackmailing Mina, and quite frankly, if Mina's mother wants something to complain about, then I'm not going to give her any. From today, Mina will be a person who visited my house every weekend, who I will be polite and authoritative to, who I will cook for and clean up after, but that's it. I will not be investing any more of my time or energy into fostering a mother-daughter relationship with Mina, because anything I say to Mina has the potential of being twisted into poison by Mina's mother, and I'll be damned if that woman has yet another thing to accuse me of. Damned if I do, and damned if I don't, so I may as well not do anything.

Unfortunately, my decision means Mina will suffer as a consequence, but I need to protect me and my emotions, and not let that idiot affect me and therefore affect my relationship with my son, who is my first priority.

Jonathan understood why I feel the need to stop investing emotionally in my relationship with Mina. He wasn't all together happy about it, but he had an understanding of how much my close and loving relationship with Mina was hurting me because of what her mother had twisted and taken out of context and hurled baseless accusations at me.

I took solace in my darling little man, who must have known I was upset. Sean was gorgeous and smiled at me quite a few times during the 8pm feed, and he was kind enough to sleep through the Valentine's Day dinner I'd planned for Jonathan, although after the turn of events of today, the gloss was taken off my special roast beef dinner.

After the horrendous day, I'm now completely exhausted and needing a good night's sleep. I hope the little man has a good night tonight too. I always have nightmares after the witch attacks us, so it would be interesting to see what kind of dreams I'll have tonight.