Day +59: Vale Lucas James

Today, Heaven welcomed its newest angel, a little boy called Lucas James.

I woke this morning with a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. I had a strange feeling that Lissy and Dave went back to hospital late last night or early this morning. Even as we left each other last night, Lissy was experiencing contractions about 5 minutes apart. The plan the doctors devised for Lissy was for her and Dave to return to hospital on Sunday to deliver the baby, but obviously to return earlier if the pain was becoming unbearable for Lissy. As it turned out, almost as soon as they got home, the pains became much much worse, and by 2am, they knew they had to head back to the hospital.

Jonathan had arranged to work from home in case Lissy needed me to go back to the hospital to be with her. I don't think Jonathan wanted to be too far from Sean in any case. I spent much of the day crying on and off. I was so sad, and really didn't know what else to do, other than shake my head at the senselessness of the tragedy.

Here were two of the world's most awesome people, excitedly awaiting the birth of their baby and becoming the best parents in the world to their little bundle of joy. Two of the most loving, caring, kind, and wonderful people, who would give their shirts off their backs to help you, and you wouldn't even have to ask. Two people who would have given the best in this world to their baby, and who would have done everything in their power to help their little one live up to his/her full potential.

Two people now who are suffering this insurmountable sorrow and living every parent's worst nightmare.

No parent should have to bury their child. That's not how life is suppose to work. Life is so unfair sometimes.

Just before 1pm, we received word from Lissy that their angel Lucas James was born. Shortly after, Dave called me and told me what happened. Lissy's parents and two of her sisters were there with them, meeting Lucas and comforting Lissy and Dave. I told him that I was ready to go to him and Lissy if they wanted my company, and Dave thanked me before hanging up to be with the family.

I went immediately into Sean's room, where he was sleeping, and put my hand on his warm body. I sat there for some time, quietly sobbing and watching my little man sleep. I felt thankful for Sean, who was born with a disease that could have seen him become an angel himself, who was now well on the road to recovery, who was happy and bright and active and cheeky, and who brought so much joy into my life every day, every hour, every minute. We could so easily have been the ones mourning the loss of a little one, but for the fact that Sean's transplant journey had been so smooth sailing so far.

I felt guilty for having a little boy to hold and kiss. I felt sad that our wonderful friends would not experience the joys of first-time parenthood for now. I felt angry that something so tragic could befall our friends. And then, I felt thankful again for my little boy, and guilty again for having my little boy to hold and kiss.

Lissy and Dave will never hear Lucas's first cry. They will never see him take his first step. They will never hear his first word. Society have words to describe people who have suffered a loss in their family: a husband who loses a wife is a "widower", a wife who loses a husband is a "widow", a child who loses both parents is an "orphan", but what do you call parents who lose a child? They are still called "parents", but they don't experience the joys of being parents.

I can't imagine how Lissy and Dave must be feeling right now. For Lissy, she was pregnant yesterday. She went into hospital today to give birth to a little boy. She went home tonight, no longer pregnant and without a baby. For Dave, he was an expectant father yesterday. He went into hospital today to support his wife through labour. He witnessed the birth of his son. And he went home tonight, without a baby. I can't imagine that grief, or the pain they must be feeling.

I can't imagine the mixed emotions of Lissy and Dave going home to a nursery that was partially set up for Lucas's impending arrival. When we started organising the baby shower, Lissy started to get more excited about the new baby, and after getting some advice from me and Michelle on what to get for the baby, Lissy began to purchase various items. Items that will now sit in situ until they had the strength and courage to deal with them.

In the days leading up to Sean's hospital admission for the cord blood transplant, Jonathan and I tried to talk about every scenario that could arise with Sean. After the "big chat" with the doctors, we found it hard not to imagine the worst possible scenario - that we didn't bring Sean home. At the time, I told Jonathan that if we didn't bring Sean home, that I wouldn't want to come home either. There were far too many memories of Sean in the house, and I told Jonathan we would have to sell the house and move somewhere else. Jonathan said if we didn't bring Sean home, we would have to move to another country to get away from our memories of Sean.

I spent a lot of time holding and hugging Sean, and kissing him and telling how much I loved him. Jonathan did the same all day long. Sean sensed there was something wrong, and was rather agreeable to being cuddled by both of us. In fact, Sean spent a lot of time comforting me, patting me on my shoulder whenever I gave him a cuddle. Yes, that's right, my 16-month-old son was comforting me. Again. Go figure.

Lissy and Dave now had a few things to organise. There were people to notify, a funeral to arrange, and Lucas's final resting place to decide. We have offered our assistance, and now await further instruction.

Darling little angel Lucas, you will shine on in your wonderful parents' hearts. Your light will burn brightly in the skies every night, and whenever I see a star winking at me, I will know it's you, saying hello. We had been looking forward to meeting you, but for now, we will wait to meet you again.