Being Momma G: Day 53

It's Groundhog Day at Hill HQ. We're reliving the dark days of the early weeks of Sean's short life.

The little guy was so dreadfully unsettled all day. Last night, after a good long sleep, Sean woke at 11.30pm for a feed. Thankfully, he was easy to settle and went to sleep straight away. He woke again at 2am and then again at 5.30am, and both times he fed and slept. I was again too tired to try and lift him off our bed and put him back in the bassinet, and Sean seemed so happy sleeping in our bed, so we all stayed where we were and slept some more. I tried my best to sleep, but since Sean came along, I'd become a light sleeper, even more so when he had laid next to me in bed.

Sean woke at 8am and cried for a feed, but once we started, he didn't seem interested at all. It was a very short feed and he fussed and fought sleep for the next two and a half hours. Jonathan had organised an appointment at 11am for us to see the family law solicitor to discuss Jonathan's access to Mina and the process of formalising the current arrangements, and with the little man being so unsettled, there was no way Sean and I could make it to the city and through the meeting without Sean screaming down the house. So instead of heading to the city, we stayed home and had another feed.

Although again reluctant to sleep, Sean did finally go down for a sleep. I went about getting things ready for us to head to Mothers Group and waited for Sean to wake for his next feed, due around 1.30pm. If he was to stick to the schedule, there was a chance we'd make it to Mothers Group.

Unfortunately, Sean had other ideas, and even though he woke just after 1.30pm for a feed, he was extremely unsettled during the feed, which made me wonder the wisdom of taking him to Mothers Group after all. I just couldn't handle having Sean cry through yet another session - he'd displayed his displeasure at being dragged to Mothers Group for 4 weeks running already.

During the feed, Grace called and we had a long chat on the phone. Grace and Vinay and their family had just moved from their 4 bedroom house at Linley Point to a 3 bedroom unit in Chatswood, so that they could prepare the house for sale. Grace was quite stressed from the move - the packing of all their belongings at the house, the unpacking at the unit, and the rest - what to keep, what to toss, what to store, etc. Grace said she had hoarded so much stuff over the years that she wasn't sure what to do with half of it, and their storage spaces were both chock a block full. I told her to be ruthless and ask herself these questions: when was the last time I used this, and when am I likely to use it again, and if the answer is "18 months or more", toss it. I told her I had to be ruthless with my belongings when Jonathan and I moved house - we didn't want to bring all our stuff from the apartment to the house, only to then go through it all and throw things out. We wanted the extraneous items tossed out prior to the move, and I was quite good at tossing a large number of things - even Jonathan was proud of me!

We chatted about our kids and compared notes on what Sean was doing and what Grace's kids were doing at the same age. I was a bit worried about Sean's pimply spots, and Grace told me that Renée had spots too when she was about the same age as Sean. The spots would eventually go away, but for now, they were just so ugly on Sean's little angelic face, and I didn't want them there. Grace also asked about the Evil Witch and wanted to know what the latest saga was all about. I told her as succinctly as I could about the week of psychological terrorism, and that I was planning to pull away from Mina, and Grace didn't know what to say, only that she was thinking of me and hoped I'd get through this without too many more tears.

Grace and I were on the phone for over an hour, so it was just as well that I'd decided before speaking with Grace that Sean and I were going to skip Mothers Group today. The only reason for us to go out then was for Sean to get his 6 week check up by the nurse at the West Ryde ECHC.

Sean wasn't happy about getting his check up, and very loudly protested against the idea of being poked and pulled by a stranger. We arrived at the West Ryde ECHC just as the formal part of Mothers Group was finishing, and as soon as we sat down, Catherine the nurse noticed a number of things amiss with Sean. She noted the spots on Sean's head, and the rash on his neck and shoulders and on the top of his arms as well. Catherine had a good poke and prod with Sean, and unbuttoned his shirt to have a good look at the rash, which upset him greatly. Sean cried and cried and cried, and there wasn't an easy way to settle him again.

Catherine asked me a few questions about how Sean had been progressing lately, and I told her that he was crying to be fed every 2 hours, which was wearing me out as I didn't feel like I was getting any reprieve from the baby during the day. I told her that he was very unsettled as well, especially during the night, which meant I wasn't getting much sleep either.

After the questions, Catherine told me in no uncertain terms that she was not going to do his 6 week check today. The only reason we came out of the house today was emphatically denied. Great. I started crying, because I was feeling frustrated that I'd gone to the trouble of getting the little guy ready to head out of the house, for only ONE thing, and that thing was going to have to wait another week now because Sean was too upset for the check up to be performed properly. Catherine also said I should have taken Sean to the doctors when I first noticed the spots, because "babies don't normally get those great big pimples on his head - they're not normal hormonal spots". How the heck was I suppose to know that??? I just thought they were part of the heat rash that everyone kept telling me was appearing on Sean's head, face and body.

I really didn't want to go to the doctors again - I already felt like a hysterical mother, having been back at the doctors every 2nd or 3rd day with yet another ailment or complaint. But Catherine was very insistent that I should take Sean to the doctors, so I rang and made an emergency appointment to see Dr Siva. I was told to come straight down to the surgery and I'd be fitted in to the schedule.

I wasn't handling what Catherine had to say to me well. In my head, all I could hear her say was "You're doing it wrong - there are so many obvious signs that your baby is upset and / or unhealthy, but you are so totally oblivious to it - bad mother". I don't have a medical degree, so I wasn't to know that the pimply spots on Sean's head were not "normal" hormonal spots or heat rash, but Catherine made me feel like I should have known, and I should have got Sean checked out by the doctor. Catherine also spotted a few "crusty" scabs on Sean's neck, in particular a fairly large scab behind Sean's left ear. She asked me why I hadn't got that checked out, and I told her I hadn't even noticed it being there until she pointed it out. Catherine couldn't tell me what she thought the spots were, but she was fairly certain that the scab was a fungal infection of some description. She also said that the spots on Sean's arms could be a viral infection that Sean had picked up, which was probably causing the unsettled behaviour and the increased feeding. In telling me all of this, she made me feel like a complete failure, although I was hoping it wasn't her intention to upset me even more than I was already.

On our way out of the West Ryde ECHC, Sean and I bumped into Rebecca and her little girl Emily and Rachel and her little girl Madison. They looked concerned to see that I hadn't attended the group today, and told me they'd missed me. It was nice to be missed. I promised that we would be returning with Jonathan next week, being our last official session organised by the West Ryde ECHC.

We headed down to the doctors surgery and waited to see Dr Siva. The little guy cried while we waited and really didn't want to be there. When Dr Siva was finally ready to see us, Sean was slightly more settled, but only slightly. Dr Siva examined Sean as quickly as she could, but being as thorough as she was, it still took longer than Sean would have liked. Dr Siva said the pimply spots on Sean's head was more than likely part of a heat rash. The same went for the rash on his shoulders and on his upper arms. There were a few spots on his forearms, which she thought might be Sean's body fighting a virus, so she prescribed some antibiotics for Sean. Yay. More pharmaceuticals for us. What more drugs should we take? The poor little man had already had so many different drugs, courtesy of my infected tooth and infected C section scar, and now he needed to take more drugs to combat his virus.

Even though I shouldn't feel this way, I did (and still do) feel like I was failing as a mother. My inability to notice the various things that were "wrong" with my baby as well as the myriad of pharmaceuticals that had been introduced to Sean's system to combat the various things that were "wrong" were contributing to the feeling of failure. Having been so organised and meticulous with details all my working life, I was failing badly at project managing the baby and his health and wellbeing.

Sean was getting more and more upset at the doctors surgery, so as soon as we were done, we headed to the chemist at Top Ryde and bought Sean's medicine. By the time we got home, it was time to feed Sean again. I gave him his first dosage of medicine at the beginning of the feed, and when he was full, he was more than willing to sleep.

Jonathan came home to a bit of a mess - I was quite upset about feeling like a failure and the events of the day. Jonathan did his best to gather me and calm me down, but not much could help shake the feeling that Sean's unsettled behaviour was all my fault.

I was feeling so out of sorts that Jonathan offered to get his own dinner, so that I could have whatever took me fancy. Whenever I'd been upset in the past, a steaming bowl of noodles always worked wonders, so that was what I had. Jonathan heated up some beef chilli con carne and made some brown rice and even had leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

Sean woke just after 9pm for a feed, which we've just finished. We've given him some more medicine, so hopefully, this will help him sleep a bit more tonight. Sorry, little man, Mummy hopes you get better soon!