Day +66: A Sad Sad Day

Tears in Heaven
by Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven

The day dawned clear and bright, not a rain cloud in sight. Sean was actually quite cooperative with breakfast - perhaps he knew neither Jonathan nor I was in the mood to wrangle food into his stomach. We wanted to get to the service a bit earlier, so we left home just after 10am and headed to the crematorium.

I'd organised with Big Davey from MAD Balloons to drop the balloons at the chapel this morning, and he sent me a text to let me know he had delivered them just as we were finding a parking space in the car park. I had hoped to see Big Davey today, but we will catch up another time.

When we arrived, Lissy's family was already there. They were all waiting outside the chapel, with Lissy and Dave still busy organising the service inside the chapel. I went up to Lissy's father, Mr G to give him a hug. Soon after, Lissy's mum Mrs G came out of the chapel, and I gave her a hug too. They were broken people. I just wanted to hug their sadness out of them.

I went into the chapel to look for Dave and Lissy. They were speaking with the celebrant to finalise the service, and they were sad. It was something they had to do, something they didn't want to do, but it was their job to carry through. Two people, all ready to face the next exciting adventure in their lives, only to have that adventure end so abruptly without any notice. Two incredibly kind and loving people, brand new parents, burying their baby.

All our friends were slowly arriving at the chapel, and we all greeted each other with hugs and kisses. We were all there for Lissy and Dave, and for most of them, it was the first time they laid eyes on Lucas.

We were all trying to be bright and cheerful for Lissy and Dave, who wanted to call today a "celebration of Lucas". We tried to stay bright and cheerful, but the sight of the tiny white coffin at the front of the chapel was too much for Jonathan and me.

Sean was perfectly well behaved, falling asleep in the pram just before the service began. As soon as the haunting music of Eric Clapton's "Tears In Heaven" began to fill the chapel, the tears welled up in our eyes and Jonathan and I sobbed quietly, clinging to each other, holding each other close.

The celebration was moving. Lissy spoke about her hopes and dreams for her first born as well as the loss and pain she felt, and Dave spoke of how unfair it was to never have the chance to meet Lucas and share all the wonderful things life had to offer. Mr G spoke of how proud he was to become a grandfather, and how Lucas would always be in his heart as his first grandchild. Lissy's sister Stephanie read "An Ode to Lucas James" lovingly penned by Mrs G. The celebration was touching and uplifting, and full of love.

Sean woke during the reading of Mrs G's poem, and despite some initial reluctance to stay in our arms, he quickly quietened down and sat patiently with us, listening to the soothing words.

And then it was my turn to read a short reading, titled "My Little Angel Set Free".

We'll never get to hear you cry,
See your first step,
Or hear your first word.
You never even got the chance
To open those beautiful eyes,
Or take your first big breath.
But please know, our precious boy,
You have been loved from your beginning
And you will be loved until our end.
The love we shared will carry on for a lifetime.
Goodbye my darling one,
Our little angel set free.

I had so much trouble seeing the page, and I stumbled over the first few lines. I knew I had to pull myself together, so I took a deep breath and pushed on. I looked at Lissy and Dave and somehow managed to make it to the end, and I finished the reading by saying "we love you" to our friends.

When the service came to an end, we went outside to release the balloons into the skies.

It was a beautiful end to a beautiful service.

We headed up to the function room where Lissy and Dave had organised some canapes and drinks. Sean ran around and endeared himself to a lot of people, and it was lovely to see his antics bring smiles to many faces. Not only was Sean bringing some sunshine on an otherwise dark day to our group, he was also making the function in the adjoining room smile as he insisted on waving to everyone.

We presented Lissy and Dave with a gift from all the friends. Penny had organised a star to be named in Lucas's honour, and a beautiful locket for Lissy to wear close to her heart. They seemed overwhelmed by the gesture, but they were very thankful for our small display of love for them all.

One by one, our friends started to disperse, with most needing to go back to work. We were amongst the last of the friends to leave, as we needed to get home to give Sean his afternoon bolus of milk.

Jonathan and I spent the rest of the day hugging Sean and each other. We talked about the service, and how hard it all hit us today. Sean could have been an angel himself, and we would have been the ones farewelling our angel. There were so many alternate scenarios that ran through our heads - Sean's transplant could have gone pear shaped, and he may never have come home with us. I could not imagine how I would have been able to organise everything that Lissy and Dave organised today.

To our gorgeous little man, thank you for not dying. We are so thankful for every day we have with you. You light up our lives, and made me learn the real meaning of "unconditional love". Every day, you change our lives for the better, and you teach us to be better people. You make your father and I love each other more with every passing day. 17 months ago today, you came into our lives and made us a family, and we look forward to many many more months with you.

Dear darling Lucas, we look forward to meeting you again, some day in the future. Know that your parents love you so much, and your grandparents and aunts and uncle too, and all your other "uncles" and "aunties" are in awe of you. Whenever I see a twinkling star winking in the sky, I will know it's you, waving to me, saying "hi".

An Ode to Lucas James
By Lucas's grandmother, Mrs G

When we first gazed upon your tiny face
Our hearts began to melt.
Nothing could describe the love that we felt.
Your time with us so precious
No matter how short,
Nothing can replace those memories in our thoughts.

Your tiny nose, lips, hands and feet,
Will stay the same until again we meet.
We pray to God please dull the pain,
A tragedy, lives changed, no one to blame.

A quilt was sewn, embroidered, a wrap of love
To escort you Lucas, to Heaven above.
A star shown bright that Friday night,
Shooting towards eternal light.

Lucas James so dear to all,
Our angel in Heaven above.
Watch over your Mum, Dad and all
Who send to you their love.

Now that we have said our piece, we know you have to go.
But know that you will be loved and missed, more than you'll ever know.
Because our darling tiny baby, even though we are apart,
You are now and forever imprinted on our hearts.