Day +74: The Biggest Barney of All Time

Funny how one glib comment could trigger an all shouting, all plate smashing, all storming out Barney that almost ended a marriage.

The Barney was not pretty. And it happened in front of children. One of the children was old enough to understand what the heck was going on. The other child was old enough to sense there was something wrong.

It was not my finest hour. I should never have lost it like that, in front of people or otherwise. But Jonathan's glib comment triggered an explosion in me, and made me a fire-breathing monster with steam blasting out of my ears.

The seething resentment that I had been feeling was exacerbated by the comment, and if my blood wasn't boiling before, it was surely red hot now.

And all I wanted was a small lie-in. An undisturbed, uninterrupted lie-in with no one else in the bed. A bit of alone time to rest, by myself, in my bed. My time off from being a mum and a wife. My bit of "me" time. Apparently, that was too much to ask for.

As with every sleepover weekend, M would come into our bed for cuddles and shenanigans. One of the rules about coming into our room was that our room and our bed were off limits until 7am, at which time she was allowed to come and jump into our bed. It mattered not what time she woke, our room and our bed remained off limits to her until 7am. This morning, after a small sleep in, M came into our bed at 7.30am. I was still asleep when she came into our room.

All I wanted was a small lie-in. An undisturbed, uninterrupted lie-in with no one else in the bed. A bit of alone time to rest, by myself, in my bed. My time off from being a mum and a wife. My bit of "me" time.

We had some cuddles, and giggles, and Jonathan also brought Sean into our room. The bed was crowded, and Sean hadn't quite fully grasped the joy of snuggling and cuddling in bed, and wanted to get out. I really wanted to lie-in, but Jonathan and M were adamant that I got out of bed. I was pulled, pushed, tugged, kicked, and rolled out of bed. To say the least, I was not happy about this, but I begrudgingly got out of bed and headed to the shower.

All I wanted was a small lie-in. An undisturbed, uninterrupted lie-in with no one else in the bed. A bit of alone time to rest, by myself, in my bed. My time off from being a mum and a wife. My bit of "me" time.

It was 8.30am by the time I finished showering and joined the others in the lounge room. M had finished her breakfast, and Jonathan was feeding Sean, and I made my unhappy feelings known. I told Jonathan I was merely hoping for a 30-minute lie-in, an hour tops - I wouldn't have had any choice but to get out of bed by 9am, since Jonathan would have had to leave to take M to her confounded German lesson. As it was the Long Weekend, the amateurs that run the show decided today's lesson would only run for 2 hours instead of the usual 3, so Jonathan was going to stay in Chester Hill and wait for M to have her play session before returning home.

All I wanted was a small lie-in. An undisturbed, uninterrupted lie-in with no one else in the bed. A bit of alone time to rest, by myself, in my bed. My time off from being a mum and a wife. My bit of "me" time.

Jonathan's response to my disappointment was to tell me that I shouldn't feel so entitled to my lie-ins. Since he never got to sleep in at all, I should be glad that I got a lie-in every now and again. The way he said it, it sounded like he was telling me I didn't deserve a lie-in, that I hadn't done that much during the week to warrant a lie-in. That I didn't need time off. That what I was asking for was far too self righteous and selfish.

Of all the people in the world he could have picked a fight with - the Evil Witch, her idiot mother, her rude and obnoxious father - he chose to pick a fight with me. Good one.

I tried to remain calm. I tried to not lose my cool. I tried to swallow the bile that had risen into my throat. But try as I might, I'd had enough.

You know how when cartoon characters get angry, their faces slowly turn from whatever colour it was to red? Well, that was me. I could feel the heat rise from my gut, creep past my stomach, spread up my chest, seep over my shoulders, gush up my neck, flood my face and engulf my head.

I exploded.

A deluge of words surged out of my mouth. I was so angry that he chose to direct his onslaught at me, his biggest fan, his greatest ally, his rock solid support. I don't recall the words I used, but I felt so betrayed. I do recall swearing a lot, and not caring that I was hurling curse words starting with "s" and "f" in Jonathan's direction with M listening to the whole thing.

I questioned Jonathan as to why he felt it was justified to be continually punished by the Evil Witch and her idiot mother for the breakdown of his first marriage. I asked him why he would jeopardise everything he had with me and Sean and suffer the punishments in an effort to make it up to M. I questioned the fairness of forcing me to suffer along with him as he continued to be dealt with one punishment after another. I wanted to know why, since we now have a Consent Order clearly setting out our obligations and commitment to M, he did not stand up for himself and his new family and tell the Dark Side to stick it when they continued to demand the unreasonable and threaten to stop him from seeing M and badmouth him by calling him a bad father. Jonathan did not have an answer.

In an effort to calm down, I sat down to try and eat some breakfast, but the food tasted like cardboard, and I may as well have been trying to swallow sawdust. I choked down the bite of crumpet, and just as I was about to take a second bite, Jonathan did something he knew would inflame our spat.

He told M to get her hair brush, and I heard him brush her hair.

Jonathan was deliberately breaking the rules. Ever since the Evil Witch demanded that we never touched M's hair, I had steadfastly refused to look after it, and made Jonathan promise he would not touch it either. We would supervise M doing her own hair, but we would not brush it or tie it up for her. And here was Jonathan, having pushed all the buttons so far, deliberately crossing the line.

I picked up my breakfast plate, and threw it into the kitchen.

As expected, the plate smashed into many pieces.

I told Jonathan to stop brushing M's hair, and he refused.

So I picked up my full coffee cup, and threw that into the kitchen as well.

As expected, the cup smashed into many pieces, and the coffee splashed on to everything.

Sean came running out to see what the noise was all about, and I scooped him up and took him to the bedroom, slamming the door shut behind us. I sat with Sean on our bed for a minute, before deciding I couldn't be in the house any longer. I needed to escape, so I got dressed and popped Sean into our walking stroller. I went to grab my house keys from the hooks in our pantry, which drew Jonathan's attention. Instead of asking me what I was doing or where I was going, his immediate words were "Are you taking the car?"

Yes, taking M to her confounded German lesson was more important than the state of mind of his wife, and where she was going to go with the baby.

So glad to see I was so high on his priority list.

I slammed the front door shut while screaming more curse words over my shoulder, and I took off with Sean in the pram down the road. I was fuming, seething, bristling with rage. My cartoon caricature would surely have me foaming at the mouth too. With Sean safely clipped into the pram, I stomped along the footpath, trying to expend some of my ire. But by the time we got home, 20 minutes later, I was still a cantankerous ball of fury.

Looking around the house, I felt I couldn't stay a minute longer. I packed a bag for Sean with enough food, clothes and associated items to last at least an overnight stay away from home. I dressed Sean in some warm clothes and we took off.

I had no idea where to go, or who to call. I was sure no one wanted to deal with my problems again, especially since someone I was once close to implied that all of our friends were sick and tired of the way I dealt with the trials and tribulations related to M and the Evil Witch. I thought about calling my parents, but decided against it, as they would remind me of my "failings" for the rest of my life. I thought about calling my sister Grace, but she was no doubt busy with her brood, so I decided against that too.

I headed to Eastwood Station with plans to catch a train to Chatswood. I thought I would try and work out where to stay and what to do during our train ride. Alas, the trains were not running today, but there was a direct bus to Chatswood. After waiting a few minutes, the bus arrived and we hopped on.

Sean fell asleep while we were on the bus, and stayed asleep when we got to Chatswood. I decided I needed some sushi to make me feel better, and while Sean slept, I ate as much as I could. Sean woke while I was still eating, so he came and sat in my lap for his first sushi train experience. We headed to a Parents Room to feed him after I finished my lunch.

We wandered aimlessly in Chatswood for hours. I really didn't have any desire to go home, but I didn't really have any other plans either. After much thought, I started wondering why I was the one leaving my house, leaving behind my car, and running away. Jonathan should be the one leaving, not me.

I paid for the house. I paid for the car. Those things belong to me. I know I sound like a spoilt 3 year old, grabbing at all my toys and screaming "MINE", but the truth was, I did pay for the house, and I did pay for the car. Jonathan came into the marriage with a debt, which was now all paid off, and he brought a dependent with him. Financially, I was in a much better position than Jonathan, and this was the little card that I had squirreled away up my sleeve as my ultimate, last resort, weapon to end all arguments card, one that I hoped I would never have to play.

So we headed home. We got on the direct bus from Chatswood Station and rode all the way back to Eastwood Station. Sean was getting really restless as he had been in the stroller all day long, and I was glad when we finally arrived at Eastwood Station. I sent a message to Jonathan demanding to be picked up, and walked over to the Chinese BBQ shop to buy some roast duck for me to binge on. Whenever I felt low, down, or upset, sushi and roast duck were my go-to comfort foods. I'd had sushi earlier today. Tonight, I was going to gorge on roast duck until I was sick.

Jonathan came to collect us and we went home in silence. I asked M what she'd learned today at German school, and she said she learned a few words for colours and clothing. When pressed to say the words, she couldn't remember them. She then very proudly said she had to say a long sentence in German using some of the words she learned today, and when asked to repeat the sentence, she stumbled, stopped, and said "Oh, I can't remember". I was so glad to hear that, after 18 months of German lessons, she knew about as much German as I did.

I was in no mood to cater to anyone once we got home. The only person I was interested in looking after was Sean, so I made sure he had his meal and bolus. Jonathan wanted to know what was planned for dinner, and I curtly told him that I was having roast duck. He looked in the fridge and found some sausages, and then asked a series of questions about how to cook the sausages. I was beyond rude by this stage. I told him to work it out for himself, because he had to learn to look after himself and his daughter again, as I may not be around forever to do it for him.

Over dinner, I apologised to M for scaring her when I lost my temper earlier today. I told her I wasn't upset or angry with her, but I was very upset and very angry with her father. I didn't elaborate further, and she seemed to accept my apology.

Once the kids were in bed, Jonathan tried to have a chat with me. I told him that I was through being punished for his "sins", which he had to realise were not all entirely his fault. After years of being told it was all his fault that his first marriage failed, and that he was the asshole for leaving, and that he must be punished for the rest of his life for this failing, Jonathan had developed Stockholm Syndrome when it came to the Dark Side. Every time they told him he was a bad father, he believed them. Every time they thought of a new way to punish him, he accepted it.

When we first started dating, Jonathan broke a LOT of our dates and plans because the Evil Witch would change the access plans with no notice, and Jonathan would immediately agree to the change of plans, thus throwing our plans into disarray, and worse, out the window. There were planned and booked trips away that were cancelled, dinners and nights out that never happened. I told him then that if he wanted to keep being with me, that he had to factor our plans and my feelings into his decisions, that he should at least consult with me before agreeing to the change of plans by the Evil Witch. Yet he continued to ask "how high" every time the Evil Witch said "jump", and I all but broke up with Jonathan before he realised I was serious about leaving him if he kept jerking me around.

His marriage to the Evil Witch failed, because they were no longer getting along, and they were making each other miserable. The fault was 50/50, and yes, while Jonathan physically walked away, the Evil Witch emotionally drove him away. They had been unhappy for a long time, and looking back, Jonathan admitted that he should have walked away from the marriage well before M was born. Nevertheless, there were no third parties involved - Jonathan didn't cheat on the Evil Witch resulting in the breakdown of the marriage. Had he cheated, then I would agree with the idea that Jonathan deserved to be punished, at least for a short time. It was completely unacceptable though for them to make him out to be the world's worst person for walking away from something that was making him so desperately unhappy.

The Dark Side had repeatedly neglected to consult with Jonathan on a number of things prior to forcing him to commit or agree. Jonathan did not much care for M's long hair either - he'd rather her hair was shorter, but we had no say in this. A couple of years ago, M mentioned she would like to have her ears pierced, and without so much as a phone call to Jonathan prior to permanently disfiguring their daughter, the Evil Witch took M to the salon and let the beautician punch holes in M's earlobes. Late last year, without any consultation at all, the Dark Side pulled M out of school for a week to go on holidays, during the school term, with only 2 weeks left of school. This was something we would not have agreed to, at all, as M's attendance record was already questionable due to the large number of days she'd had off through the year with various illnesses and ailments. And of course, there were those confounded German lessons. We were never asked if it was OK to enrol M in lessons that took her away from us for 4.5 hours every sleepover weekend, not to mention the additional cost of taking her to and from those bloody lessons.

For years after he left the Evil Witch, he would immediately accept the changes and demands thrown at him by the Dark Side, all because he didn't want to fight the Evil Witch and her idiot mother, and also because he was scared they would stop him from seeing M. After being "beaten" for so many years, the Dark Side took it for granted that he would accept their demands by laying down and not challenging them.

Well, no more. We had spent over $10,000 getting the Evil Witch to sign the Consent Orders, clearly stating what we had to do and what she had to do. If the Dark Side was to threaten to stop us from seeing M, and then carry through with it, the Orders would be breached and the Evil Witch could get into a lot of trouble with the law. And since we have this piece of paper, Jonathan should use it to fight for his rights.

I told Jonathan that he needed to grow a pair and tell the other side to stop punishing him and forcing him to do things. No more German lessons. M wasn't learning anything, it was a complete waste of time and money, and we more or less lost the entire Saturday to do other things because of these damn lessons. If the Dark Side insisted on M continuing these lessons, then they could take her every second week when she wasn't on a sleepover with us.

Use the force, or in this case, our $10,000+ piece of paper called the Consent Orders. The Dark Side can threaten all they like about stopping M from coming to us. That piece of paper prevents them from carrying through with the threats. Not unless they want to wind up dealing with the police time and again, because at the first sign of a breach, I will be sure to take it up with the police and the Family Court.

I told Jonathan that I needed to feel like he was putting me higher on his list of priorities. I was happy to share a spot with M and Sean, but I was not willing to be below M. Before we were engaged and married, when we were only dating, I had no choice but to accept M would come before me. Now that we were married, and we had a child together, a child who happened to be sick, I needed to be on the same rung as M.

I also told Jonathan that the reason I was so adamant about needing a lie-in was because I did not feel I had any time off to myself during the week. I was always "working", and every Saturday and Sunday, all I wanted was a small lie-in of about an hour or so. An undisturbed, uninterrupted lie-in with no one else in the bed. A bit of alone time to rest, by myself, in my bed. My time off from being a mum and a wife. My bit of "me" time. Jonathan had down time every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 hours per day while he travelled to and from work. This was more a case of "enforced Jonathan time", during which he had no worries in the world, no one from work to bother him, no one from home to bug him, no one from the Dark Side to hassle him. He could use this time to do whatever he liked - read a book, play on the iPad, watch a TV show or a movie on the iPad, sleep, stare out the window, empty his mind of all thoughts and niggles.

I didn't have that luxury during the week. Even when Sean was having his daily nap, I would be busy doing stuff around the house - laundry, dishwashing, housework, cooking, etc. When Jonathan stepped foot inside the house in the afternoon, I may be able to physically hand the baby to him to look after, but I still did not get down time. I would now have to get dinner ready for us, help to feed Sean, do more dishwashing. I may get 5 minutes of down time when Jonathan was bathing Sean each night, but usually, I would be busy prepping for Sean's bed time - meting out Sean's medication, preparing the overnight feed, straightening Sean's room, laying out Sean's pyjamas and sleeping bag, etc. While Jonathan sat with Sean, waiting for Sean to fall asleep, I would be washing the dishes from dinner, scrubbing the pots and pans, and putting the dried dishes away. More often than not, I would still be washing the dishes by the time Sean was asleep and Jonathan had left Sean's room.

And after that, Jonathan would ask to watch TV with me. This was now "our" time, which I loved, but I was still not getting the "me" time.

Jonathan asked how he could help me to achieve my goal of "me" time every day, and I told him there was nothing he could do, because he was physically there. Even though he would sit in the study and do his thing some nights, and I would sit in the lounge doing my thing, this was still not what I would consider "me" time. I was still being "peppered" with questions from Jonathan, asking me if I wanted anything from the kitchen, if I wanted to watch a TV show, if I wanted to do this, if I wanted to do that. Seriously, some nights, the only reply I had was "no, now please f@#$ing leave me alone".

Harsh (or selfish) as it may be, really, all I wanted was a small lie-in every Saturday and Sunday morning. An undisturbed, uninterrupted lie-in with no one else in the bed. A bit of alone time to rest, by myself, in my bed. My time off from being a mum and a wife. My bit of "me" time. My 2 hours would be the equivalent of Jonathan's 8 hours every week. That was all.

Yes, today's spectacular Barney could have been avoided if I was simply left alone in my bed for an hour. I wouldn't have felt the need to vocalise my disappointment of being dragged out of bed, and Jonathan wouldn't have felt the need to put me in my place.

Jonathan agreed to let me have my lie-ins, and I told him that I would be happy to compromise on some Saturdays if he felt he needed to have a lie-in. Of course, if M was with us, it went without saying that Jonathan would be up-and-at-'em when M was awake, but on the weekends when we saw M on Sundays only, if Jonathan needed / wanted a lie-in, all he had to do was ask.

I was still mad with Jonathan for choosing to try and alienate his greatest ally, and asked him what he was thinking when he decided to bait me this morning. He said it was not his intention to start this inauspicious Barney, but something in his head snapped when I sounded so sanctimonious, banging on about how I should be entitled to my lie-in.

I apologise to Jonathan for my behaviour, especially since it happened in front of M, and told him I would never do it again. Quite simply, my mental and emotional states couldn't afford to go through another fight like that again. If things ever got that bad, I would be asking Jonathan to leave and never return. Jonathan apologised for not making me feel like I was a priority to him.

There is still a fair amount of simmering anger left in me, but I will try and work through that as quickly as I can. We still have M for another 2 days and I would really like to not be angry with Jonathan for too much longer. Jonathan knows I need to work through the issue, and is prepared for more "chats" over the weekend.

This was NOT how I thought I would spend today. Thankfully, I have something to look forward to on Monday - lunch with my good friends David and Kirsty. I really need to debrief with friends, and Kirsty has promised cocktails as part of the debriefing. I can't wait.